Dating, part -1 (negative 1)

Why is dating so complicated? maybe when its complicated its not right? I also truly believe I'm making it complicated. Some people just want simple, and maybe I don't know how to do that. I understand I am very type A personality, I don't like last minute, i don't like not knowing, and its frustrating when its not obvious. It's a challenge that, on my good days, I love it. But on my bad days I can't deal.

I think i am also very scared of simple. The last time I did simple, no definition, go with the flow, it almost destroyed me. And it had a lot to do with that particular person, that person almost destroyed me, and people who knew both of us would agree. I'm to blame for some of it yes, and I was in no place, a bad place, to be doing that kind of thing.

There' one girl in particular I can't figure out for the life of me. She scares me. I need to realize that shes not the "person" from my past. She wants simple. and it scares me.

At this point that one may have fizzled out anyways, I hope not, I'm definitely still interested, I just don't know if she is. I may have screwed it up with mislead intentions...woops.

But then again can't we make our own rules? just to have companionship, and a cuddle buddy, and be there for each other every once in a while when we need someone? In theory, that sounds amazing to me, but what happens when only one person wants more? I don't know if outside of theory, I could actually handle it. one part of my brain says hell yes, and the other says hell no. I want that kind of friendship/relationship back so badly, but is it good for me?

writing has helped, I needed to tell someone and I feel like I have no one to tell. no one to scream at that I am fucking lost. I'm an honest dater, and you get 100% me all the time. However, the "me" you get can change weekly or daily,that comes with the territory, and I don't try to hide it.

I want someone who can deal with ALL OF THAT, and still just be my cuddle buddy, with movies and kisses and hugs and maybe nothing more? we will get to that later. If you deal with me part time, you still have to deal with all of me. Sorry not sorry for keeping it real.

Dating

I think I like her...

A person and falling hard.

I could simply use this post to express my feelings right now, but again there is not much point in that, unless I say whats causing all of these feelings. The cause as you may have guessed, is a person, but not just any person. You see, there is this girl, and by posting this I do know that there is a risk of her reading this, but in a way I hope she does. I am falling for this girl. I am falling HARD for this girl. I don't know what it is but I think it's a sign when I can't stop thinking about her...

Ok put on the brakes for a sec. so clearly I've just outed myself. so queer haters buzz off, and queer lovers, I heart you. :)

So I've been dating this girl for almost 2 months but because of us both being generally broke and that we live over 3 hours apart :( we only just went on our "official" first date 2 days ago (official according to my other friends rules of what qualifies a date, that we all live by lol). Mind you we had seen each-other before then, but generally just hung out and did casual things in groups and such and also generally taking things really slow, for both our sakes.

So I am feeling kind of scared, ok like majorly scared. I have no clue what I am doing. But I can't shake this feeling. But I know it scares her too. It scares her that I might feel more strongly about her than I'm letting on. I don't think I'm any good at hiding it. But problem is, I don't even know how I feel. I care for her a lot and I like her a lot but that all I know really and there are times when I can't get her out of my mind. When I go and visit her its always to short and I wanna turn around from the second I leave. I think my mind is going a little bit to fast but thankfully it still controls itself. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. It isn't love, yet. I know that for sure its to soon and not that strong. Its just a strong attraction to being around this person.

What sparked this post today was the fact that I went up on Thursday to see her and I left today (Saturday, two days, so short :P) because I work retail and had to work the Saturday closing shift, and what makes me very mad is that they cut hours and let me go home early. Any other day totally fine. When I drove back 3 hours because I had to work and could have spent an extra day with this girl instead? Did not make me super thrilled. But then I just think about how happy this amazing girl makes me, I just had to let it go and I know I can't change it now. She is one of the few things in my life that is positive and happy at the moment. The last thing I know tonight is that I miss her. Peace.