Sweet girl.

My post is short and sweet today. Extra sweet like the Koogle and banana bread I made this lovely Sunday. Note to self, and the world, adding Koogle to my list of Jewish food adventures. Onto other news...

I am in love. Sighs. She is genorous. She is brave. She is sweet. And I love her.

Peace.

Gun-shy

Gun-shy

Lead the way she says as you open the door

Show me how she says as her boots hit the floor

As you lead her away and she takes it all in

You look in her eyes and she looks end to end

Her arm stiffens tight, but her fingers will pry

She can’t pull the trigger, or make bullets fly

You try to show her, a dozen or so times

But you can’t explain it, fear in your own eyes

How sweet it is

To hold her hand tight as she clutches yours

You watch her spin, spin through the world

And just when she tells you she can’t do no more

You watch her wonder, your little gun-shy girl

She hold the parts, you point out the pieces

It’s pretty rough, she thinks you make it look easy

What she doesn’t know is your putting up a fight

She takes a fancy, and holds the barrel tight

How sweet it is

To hold her hand tight as she clutches yours

You watch her spin, spin through the world

And just when she tells you she can’t do no more

You watch her wonder, your little gun-shy girl

As she lets it go, pushed back into you,

We hang on tight, as we start something new

1. You watch her wonder, your little gun-shy girl. 

Dating, part -1 (negative 1)

Why is dating so complicated? maybe when its complicated its not right? I also truly believe I'm making it complicated. Some people just want simple, and maybe I don't know how to do that. I understand I am very type A personality, I don't like last minute, i don't like not knowing, and its frustrating when its not obvious. It's a challenge that, on my good days, I love it. But on my bad days I can't deal.

I think i am also very scared of simple. The last time I did simple, no definition, go with the flow, it almost destroyed me. And it had a lot to do with that particular person, that person almost destroyed me, and people who knew both of us would agree. I'm to blame for some of it yes, and I was in no place, a bad place, to be doing that kind of thing.

There' one girl in particular I can't figure out for the life of me. She scares me. I need to realize that shes not the "person" from my past. She wants simple. and it scares me.

At this point that one may have fizzled out anyways, I hope not, I'm definitely still interested, I just don't know if she is. I may have screwed it up with mislead intentions...woops.

But then again can't we make our own rules? just to have companionship, and a cuddle buddy, and be there for each other every once in a while when we need someone? In theory, that sounds amazing to me, but what happens when only one person wants more? I don't know if outside of theory, I could actually handle it. one part of my brain says hell yes, and the other says hell no. I want that kind of friendship/relationship back so badly, but is it good for me?

writing has helped, I needed to tell someone and I feel like I have no one to tell. no one to scream at that I am fucking lost. I'm an honest dater, and you get 100% me all the time. However, the "me" you get can change weekly or daily,that comes with the territory, and I don't try to hide it.

I want someone who can deal with ALL OF THAT, and still just be my cuddle buddy, with movies and kisses and hugs and maybe nothing more? we will get to that later. If you deal with me part time, you still have to deal with all of me. Sorry not sorry for keeping it real.

Two things you are not going to like

I feel the need to write. But I don't know what about. There's no trigger. There's no issue. No problem or exciting event. No Happy occasion or emotional rampage. but I just want to write. Hmph. I've been thinking a lot about well, everything. Lately, although I have felt like I haven't even had a moment to think, I have actually been thinking. I guess I just didn't notice it til now. It's just like how life catches up to you. It's to late (its like 1am) for my brain to coherently talk about anything serious, but alas I think I am going to attempt this anyways. Religion and Sexuality. OK bad start, but that's what's on my mind. First of all, I was raised Jewish by my mother, mind you she's a liberal "dead head" and for a long time was the only one in her family who was not very religious. my dad's family is some very relaxed form of christian where Easter simply means food and I don't know the last time any of them have been to church. Culturally I Identify as Jewish, cause it's really a Jew thing. However, religiously, I identify with neither. I'm going to try to make this short as my eyes are not happy with me, but honestly I don't identify with any religion. However this does not mean that I am not a spiritually connected person. There was a time when I questioned a lot of things, and I came to the conclusion that I do believe in god in some form, and that god loves everyone. Now here's the rebuttal most people would give me: But your gay, you can't believe in god. But your gay, you can't be religious. But your gay, god doesn't love you. Let's get one things straight: I am not gay. I am not male first of all. I'll admit, if you extend the definition, I am part of the gay community, but I prefer to call it the GLBTQA community. and in a previous post I will quote myself in saying "I am some form of the word gay". Again in a broad sense. but back to the point... ...the point is two things. One, that gays and anyone in the GLBTQA community can be religious and/or spiritually connected. people prove that everyday and to try and deny them that right is not what the god I know would want of people. My second point is to talk about my sexuality. I had to fill out a survey today and the options for sexual orientation were: Straight/Heterosexual, Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, or Other _________. It was the first time I chose other and I filled in the blank with Queer. This may have been due to other things in the past not giving me this option, so I either chose bisexual or sometimes lesbian. Or it could be my continual questioning of my sexual orientation. The problem is I fall somewhere in between. I definitely identify more with the lesbian community, I can relate to them, because mostly I like girls, and I know this for a fact, but its not exclusively that way. The term I most relate with is pansexual, but it's often times just to hard to explain, and I am comfortable with queer. I am attracted to who I am attracted to, no matter there gender identity...Love is Love. This brings me back to god. god loves everyone and all humans deserve love, but I understand that in this world most don't receive it. I don't know where I am going with this really other than I should not have to choose one category of loving. love is love. Goodnight and Peace.

Sunday=Blog Day? How did this happen?

So I realized I've become boring, or at least the way I do my blog posts have. I gues I've been so busy this city keeps your mind going going going and then all the sudden bam! It's Sunday, and all of the things I didn't think about or do during the past week creep up on you, and so hence, this is usually the first second I get time to remember I even have a blog.

I blog whens its needed for me, and sometimes it's not as needed. I could still be going through a lot of stuff, especially emotional stuff, but I just didn't use blogging as an outlet.

I think I am also overly concerned about my blog, and I realize I have way to many posts (including this one) about posting on my blog, not posting, apologizing dfor ebing 3 weeks absent, ect. so here is my oath: I Sam, will no longer blog for more than one sentence ever again about how often or when I blog.

Okay, now on to the good stuff:

So this past week I have felt like a whirlwind in the ocean, constantly drowning but never getting anywhere, always staying in that middle zone. So much work was collapsed on top of me, that I kept getting behind or at least feeling like I was getting behind. I even just skipped a paper assignment because I was just so exhausted and didn't have the time.

But somehow that usual anxiety I get has not set in to much. usually I get such horrible feelings about large amount of work that I have to get done that I just avoid doing them. Maybe its because I've been taking my meds better, or idk even know, but seeing as I spent 7 hours yesterday taking photographs all over Chicago and didn't even get halfway done (I was expecting to get most of it done), I was expecting to feel different this morning. I am going to go with the good feelings, but whenever somethings different I have to question it.

I know I will get caught up at some point, so I'll just keep trudging along until then. For those who might read this and be future Chicago Program Students, don't let the beginning of the semester fool you! Much of the work on this program is non traditional, and it's a pretty slow start in the beginning, but honestly in the middle and end of the semesters you are doing more work than you could ever imagine. On the other hand it's completely worth it because you are doing work that you love. When I go to bed exhausted ever night, I never think "thank god that's over" like I might at school, I think instead, I can't wait for tomorrow! Peace.