3am and she doesn't call me?

Well obviously I don't expect her or anyone to call me at this hour. Well not anymore at least, but Anna Nalick has good music for this time of night. In high school however I used to be that girl who answered the phone at any time of night to the friend whose crisis made them think it was the end of the world as we knew it. In a sense I still am that person. I still sleep with my phone right next to me or under my pillow on vibrate, and my current friends know that I am always there for them. I think maybe my college friends have less crisis's than my high school ones.

Ok so this post may turn into a jumble of sorts, because it is literally about 330am and I for some reason cannot sleep. My body nor my mind does not want to rest tonight. I do wish I could fall asleep, but I though heck, what better time to write a new blog entry? better than the possibly drunken emails I may or may not have sent 2 weeks ago...

...so when I said "her" earlier i was indeed referring to a particular person. I think I may have talked about her before, maybe a bit to much :) However i can now say that this someone is now an official part of my life (for now) as she is now my girlfriend. She makes me so happy and I hope that I do the same for her. But relating back to phone calling point, I literally know that she would probably never call me at this hour, as she is never awake this late due to her intense need for sleep. Seriously this girl might be busier than I am with her school and work. But if she ever found the need to call, I would answer.

The word happy gave me this strong urge to talk about my mood lately, as this is a place where I like to express my feelings. It honestly just makes me feel so much better to talk about whats going on in my head, and when I can't talk to someone, the best alternative is to write about it. Anyways back on track, my mood has been pretty decent lately. I don't want to jinx it but I think I might finally be getting out of my depressive episode that's been latched to me since last winter. The last month or two have been pleasant, and even though I still often get stressed, and have had a few bouts of utter confusion, I am at least a tiny bit happier with my life than I was before. The only part that still dragging me down is my family situation, but that story is for another post another time. What is now worrying me however is that winter is approaching again, and even when my demeanor is at its best its drops a notch during these dreary months, and with it not currently being at its prime, its susceptible to dropping many notches.

I think I will try as always to just take it one day at a time. For reasons I can't really say, my girlfriend unknowingly reminds me sometimes to live in the moment and at this moment I think I am finally getting sleepy. All I can hope for and ask for is that things stay positive. A final note, I may not want to over think the future, but can I dwell on the recent past, like maybe the 3 soda's i drank at 10pm have something to do with me being awake? Goodnight and hope I made sense. Peace.

Yet again, technology gets the best of people.

So for me technology has gotten me in the form of me not using it like I should, and in this case, me not having made a new blog post in a while. I do apologize, but we all know how my life gets. Technology, as useful as it is, really does take time and effort and it sometimes doesn't always fit in my life so well.

For other people however, technology is getting the best of them in the form of my very basic intro to web programming class. To people who just do not understand computers, it is obviously difficult to learn all this new programming like html and css and java. But for someone like me who is almost as new to this as everyone else, I sit in class rather bored. The concepts are so basic and simple to me, and even though I don't have much experience with it, my mind just comprehends it well. Given, we are only at a very basic level right now, and as it gets harder I might start getting as confused as everyone else who knows. And I will admit I learn a small thing or two every class period, but that 1 minute of knowledge does not justify the 1 1/2 hours I sit there for the rest of the time. So for right now I sit in the library, trying to do some other homework because I already finished my assignment for that class in less than 20 minutes, and its not even due until next Tuesday (its Thursday by the way). But I am also here waiting for random people to show up, who have all asked me for help because they just don't get it. I am happy to do so, just as long as they don't think I know anymore than they do cause really I don't.

All is well for now I guess, and all I can say is that I am glad this class turned out to be an easy one, because I really am overloaded in my other ones. Here is a link to my developing website, if you would like to see: Click Me Peace.

An apology thats not an apology that is an apology

I'm sorry world, but I cannot constantly be sorry. I can't continuously be apologetic for things that aren't my fault. I'm sick of feeling guilty and I am sick of having my mind in dissonance (the benefits of a psychology vocabulary!). I make decisions for me and only me and I am not influenced by anyone else and their biased opinions. If you don't like those decisions that's your problem, not mine. I try not to take sides. I try to be a good friend, although I suck at it. I have also stopped trying to please others at the expense of my self happiness, although I'm still working on this one. I know this sometimes makes others unhappy but again not my problem. I know I sound like a botch but here's something that might make up for that. When it comes to the happiness and safety of a child who is in important in my life, that is the only exception. Again I won't go so far as to sacrifice myself, but my decisions may change to better benefit someone else and not just me alone. The life of a child matters so much more to me than many other things in life.

Today, I am mostly sorry to my father. I am sorry for the way things have temporarily ended. For the longest time you never made me happy, but then there was hope. I would often look past your views and stupid ways and see some of the same things my mother loved about you. You have done some good things for me, but those don't out way the damage you've caused. Please no that I love you and we will speak again someday, but right now my most basic and simplistic morals tell me I can't.

I am also sorry to my friend. You are one of few and I pushed it to far. I was only trying to help as I always am, but I got to close. I'm sorry I got to close, it's a bad habit of mine. I know you love me but please know that your words stung. It's going to be hard to get the distance you need because of our lives being so intertwined, but I will make my best effort to stay away. This task will be even more difficult because your the only one I have here. Your one of my only reasons for staying where I am. Everyone else has betrayed me or just fallen by the to the side and you technically have not :). I'm going to find my own way on things which might mean I might not be around here as much, because there is really no one left for me here. I love you and I'm sorry.

Now I feel I've gotten out what I need to say and expressed all the apologies necessary. I'm going to try and not feel sorry anymore today. Peace.

When you don't know what to do...

Do nothing. Except that's not working out to well for me. I honestly think that my life is a mess half the time and as soon as something goes well something else has to complicate it again. I feeling very lost and confused right now. I keep thinking about this one person and I don't even know what to do. Do I listen to my head or listen to my heart? I feel like I know the logical answer to this but it doesn't feel like the right one. I'm a big believer in fate and if this person is in my life right now there's a reason for it, and until they decide to take themselves out of my life I know they need to be there. If anyone reads this hos good at givng advice please let me know. I am lost in a big giant world but feel completely stuck in a small one. Peace.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Karma. I dislike that word with a passion. I don't know if I believe in it but if I did, I have the worst Karma ever. I generally think that I try to be a good person, but there are bad people in the world that try to ruin the lives of good people. Sometimes I feel like why cant something end and just go away, like a particular situation that likes to bite you in the ass. Just when things start to look up and go right they go very very wrong. There is a person from my families past that is truly out to ruin our lives. And I mean literally. He is mentally ill and doesn't take medication and is trying to make my families life a living hell. For most part it generally doesn't involve me, and shouldn't involve me, but he tries to make it involve me. It stresses the hell out of me and I just can't deal with his shit anymore. It like go away please and just leave me the fuck alone. It just makes my life so complicated and I don't have the time or energy to deal with it. Why do bad things never seem to happen to him? I mean I don't wish anything bad on anyone but seriously he done so much wrong in life I don't see how its possible that he still has suck good karma. If you wanna know more I'd be happy to share, just let me know. Just a bad and stressful day but I hope everyone who reads this had wonderful days today. peace.