I am drowning.

Stress is not helping me I swear. This is a rant and it's a little long, but I'd love if you'd all listen. I've been wanting to make a video blog post for a while, and this is NOT how I wanted my first one to be but it just kind of happened. Two notes. First, I think I mention something about 3 jobs, that is my usual 2-3 jobs plus school. This semester (in Chicago) I am only working one kind of, but its still just as stressful because I also have an internship. People think I have a break this semester, and that's not the case and this shit (in video) still haunts me. Plus its back to working full time overtime in a few weeks when summer starts. no break. Second note, I don't have the best relations with my mom either, so its not just the men in my life for all you stereotyping freaks. Peace!

Two things you are not going to like

I feel the need to write. But I don't know what about. There's no trigger. There's no issue. No problem or exciting event. No Happy occasion or emotional rampage. but I just want to write. Hmph. I've been thinking a lot about well, everything. Lately, although I have felt like I haven't even had a moment to think, I have actually been thinking. I guess I just didn't notice it til now. It's just like how life catches up to you. It's to late (its like 1am) for my brain to coherently talk about anything serious, but alas I think I am going to attempt this anyways. Religion and Sexuality. OK bad start, but that's what's on my mind. First of all, I was raised Jewish by my mother, mind you she's a liberal "dead head" and for a long time was the only one in her family who was not very religious. my dad's family is some very relaxed form of christian where Easter simply means food and I don't know the last time any of them have been to church. Culturally I Identify as Jewish, cause it's really a Jew thing. However, religiously, I identify with neither. I'm going to try to make this short as my eyes are not happy with me, but honestly I don't identify with any religion. However this does not mean that I am not a spiritually connected person. There was a time when I questioned a lot of things, and I came to the conclusion that I do believe in god in some form, and that god loves everyone. Now here's the rebuttal most people would give me: But your gay, you can't believe in god. But your gay, you can't be religious. But your gay, god doesn't love you. Let's get one things straight: I am not gay. I am not male first of all. I'll admit, if you extend the definition, I am part of the gay community, but I prefer to call it the GLBTQA community. and in a previous post I will quote myself in saying "I am some form of the word gay". Again in a broad sense. but back to the point... ...the point is two things. One, that gays and anyone in the GLBTQA community can be religious and/or spiritually connected. people prove that everyday and to try and deny them that right is not what the god I know would want of people. My second point is to talk about my sexuality. I had to fill out a survey today and the options for sexual orientation were: Straight/Heterosexual, Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, or Other _________. It was the first time I chose other and I filled in the blank with Queer. This may have been due to other things in the past not giving me this option, so I either chose bisexual or sometimes lesbian. Or it could be my continual questioning of my sexual orientation. The problem is I fall somewhere in between. I definitely identify more with the lesbian community, I can relate to them, because mostly I like girls, and I know this for a fact, but its not exclusively that way. The term I most relate with is pansexual, but it's often times just to hard to explain, and I am comfortable with queer. I am attracted to who I am attracted to, no matter there gender identity...Love is Love. This brings me back to god. god loves everyone and all humans deserve love, but I understand that in this world most don't receive it. I don't know where I am going with this really other than I should not have to choose one category of loving. love is love. Goodnight and Peace.

Hide and Seek

You Blog readers get a sneak peak at a poem I am turning in tomorrow. I've been meaning to post some poetry on here, since I like writing poetry, and even though this is an assignment, I am glad I wrote it and I think it turned out pretty cool. If you didn't get it already, it's called Hide and Seek. Peace.

Oooone, twooooo, threeeeeee, fooooouuuuur,…
…Ninety nine, one hundred! Ready or not here I come!
Run run run run run,
In my room, in my apartment,
Have to find my keys,
shake my bag to hear it jingle
Why does it smell like pancakes
Who is taking a shower
Making the bathroom all steamy
Why is it so cold in here
I hate the stupid wind pressing against the windows so noisy
On the street, on the subway
Don’t look at me like that
Of course you can’t hear them we are underground
So stop yelling louder at your cell phone
The train is taking forever, why aren’t we moving
God they are walking so slow
It smells like shit down here today
Or maybe it smells like weed
Ok just ignore them
Music tunes out everything
I’ll just go past them
In the buses, in the cars,
Ooh I like that song
Who is blasting their headphones
Honking is not going to get you anywhere
That polite smile as I let the elderly woman take my seat
Why are you driving anyways
Crap only 7 seconds on walk
Still 30 feet away from the cross
Smells like beer
Newspaper are so soft
Really, you think by now I know that eating drinking and gambling
ARE PROHIBITED ON ALL CTA VEHICLES
On bikes, on skateboards,
The sidewalk is for everyone
Stop trying to pass the bus like you are faster
I love the sound an unpedaled chain makes
Click scroll click scroll click scroll
In the grocery store, in the liquor store,
Loose changes clanking
Quarters in shopping carts
A maze of awkward people who don’t know how to be social
Looks and glances, sighs and screeeeeee
Thanks for taking so much effort to move your cart sideways
Where it should have been all along
Unlike in the middle of the isle where it was.
Take a basket for easy shopping!
I’m only getting like two things
Remember I can’t go inside I’ll just wait for you
I miss the bells
You know the ones in small town stores when someone walks in or out?
Eeew someone broke a carton of eggs
Target always smells so fresh
In the office buildings, in the coffee shop,
Hold the door, but with just a look
Go ahead, no you, no you, alright
Buzz whiiiiiiirrrrr.
Sssssshhhhhhhhh
A doorman that say welcome, how odd
Someone you can talk too
It smells sweet
Just stay in your space, no exploring here
Why is it so crowded, this isn’t starbucks?
The noise level variations can be polar opposites
Ok maybe not in the art galleries
But in the parks, on the boulevards,
Not strolling, power walking,
Don’t stop and smell the roses
Because you can’t smell them anyways
Wait this path is curved?
I’m going to get so lost
Birds exist?
Stupid pigeons always slowing me down
Everyone always rushing
Even after they get to their destinations
No moments here
Always living for the next
Silence is awkward, yet welcome
And why do we all love it so much
To play this game of hide and seek
Oooone, twooooo, threeeeeee, fooooouuuuur,…
…Ninety nine, one hundred! Ready or not here I come!
Run run run run run
And I start all over again
In this place that is 100 times faster than anywhere else

Ethics

Ok, I am really questioning whether to be more vague and general about this, as to not make anyone mad, or to be a bit more specific.

I seem to deal with the issue of ethics on an almost weekly basis. Think about it, I'm a psych major, I have psych problems so I've been in the system, I am a GLBTQ leader at my school, I am a trained ally at my school, I'm the president of our Active Minds chapter. If you get yourself involved in this world of helping others or being a leader, you become a go to person, and there lies problems.

So what do I do when someone comes to me? Having gone to an alternative high school, you would think I'd be so used to other people having problems or concerns, but back then, if a friend would call in need, I would comfort them as a friend, but my advice mostly consisted of "well when we go to school tomorrow you can talk to your therapist". Well those therapists and that everyday environment are not there anymore. I am really not as good at giving advice and helping deal with stuff as I thought I was.

I also don't know where to draw the line. From every training and book or anything I've ever received, I know what I should do. Obviously if the situation is life threatening, I would do exactly what others did for me, and seek outside help.

However, what about when it's not that bad, those middle of the road concerns, and I've judged the situation as acceptable whether or not I like it. I've realized in these instances, I treat my close friends different than I would treat an acquaintance confiding in me. Is it helping them to say "I know them, nothing will go wrong" and not push the issue like I would with someone I'm not close with?

I think I have to come to realize that I am a friend first, no matter who it is. Unless the situation has been made clear to me in which I am supposed to be playing another role (more like a peer counselor or something) it's not my job to judge the situation from that point of view.

I just have a fear of regretting not taking action at a time when I could of, even though it wouldn't be my fault. Got to remember, no regrets. I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks? Peace.

Sunday=Blog Day? How did this happen?

So I realized I've become boring, or at least the way I do my blog posts have. I gues I've been so busy this city keeps your mind going going going and then all the sudden bam! It's Sunday, and all of the things I didn't think about or do during the past week creep up on you, and so hence, this is usually the first second I get time to remember I even have a blog.

I blog whens its needed for me, and sometimes it's not as needed. I could still be going through a lot of stuff, especially emotional stuff, but I just didn't use blogging as an outlet.

I think I am also overly concerned about my blog, and I realize I have way to many posts (including this one) about posting on my blog, not posting, apologizing dfor ebing 3 weeks absent, ect. so here is my oath: I Sam, will no longer blog for more than one sentence ever again about how often or when I blog.

Okay, now on to the good stuff:

So this past week I have felt like a whirlwind in the ocean, constantly drowning but never getting anywhere, always staying in that middle zone. So much work was collapsed on top of me, that I kept getting behind or at least feeling like I was getting behind. I even just skipped a paper assignment because I was just so exhausted and didn't have the time.

But somehow that usual anxiety I get has not set in to much. usually I get such horrible feelings about large amount of work that I have to get done that I just avoid doing them. Maybe its because I've been taking my meds better, or idk even know, but seeing as I spent 7 hours yesterday taking photographs all over Chicago and didn't even get halfway done (I was expecting to get most of it done), I was expecting to feel different this morning. I am going to go with the good feelings, but whenever somethings different I have to question it.

I know I will get caught up at some point, so I'll just keep trudging along until then. For those who might read this and be future Chicago Program Students, don't let the beginning of the semester fool you! Much of the work on this program is non traditional, and it's a pretty slow start in the beginning, but honestly in the middle and end of the semesters you are doing more work than you could ever imagine. On the other hand it's completely worth it because you are doing work that you love. When I go to bed exhausted ever night, I never think "thank god that's over" like I might at school, I think instead, I can't wait for tomorrow! Peace.