Sunday, March 6, 2016

The Library, The Queer, and the Book.

Hey look! I'm promoting a website and a book! (not mine, cool ones in which I envy because I will never be that cool). So please don't judge for the promos, only love please.

So today I went to a website called you can read more about them and explore all the goodies they have here  They are a website created for women, and when looking at the logo I vaguely remember seeing it before, so maybe I've stumbled across one of there articles before, who knows. Anyways cute site with decent interesting independent articles.

So how did I get there? It all started yesterday at the library, I was making a very quick run to drop off my things that were due and renew a book I had not finished. I had things to do, places to be, unfortunately I did not have an hour to go meandering for something new to read. in and out I said. Well as I couldn't help myself, I justified 5 minutes of looking at the small shelves of "new" books up by the front, just the fiction and non fiction and if nothing caught my eye right away I would leave. I mean its right next to the book return, had to pass it by anyways. So low and behold, I came across a book called "Ask a queer chick" and I swear it was in my hand before my brain even finished processing the title. Maybe I just need a giant neon sign over my head that flashes "queer" right here, here I am. But in the exact opposite sense, I was cautious. I opened the book before I thought anyone around me even saw the cover. Now I am for the most part an out a proud lady, but I am also conscious of my surroundings. I'm not going to purposefully expose myself is an unsafe or unknown place if its not necessary. Now if i was with a partner, and she or he wanted to hold my hand, I wouldn't deny them that right, I would be thrilled. however I believe that they would also understand the possible dangers of certain places.

So you think, public library, little old ladies, children, ect, how in the world could that be a bad place? Well i'm not saying it is. My towns local library is safe space for a lot of people especially in terms of things like getting away from violence, and access to a computer outside of school. However the Waukegan public library may get me some judgement. the town I live in is to my knowledge not the most LGBT friendly. (On a brighter note the larger area in which I live is friendly, and I would feel comfortable walking with a partner or kissing at any of the local malls.) So when it came to the library, I was cautious to say the least. I pondered for a brief second whether or not to even check out the book. I decided to get it on a whim, as then I would be out of the library and on my way faster, I held the book to my side cover side down, consciously walked over to the self check out instead of going up to the nice ladies at the front. I usually check out media, which requires the ladies at the front desk to de-sensor them but even when i haven't had media, if they are not busy I will check out with them. I carefully and quickly scanned the book, hoping the family next to me with wondering eyed pre-teens at the other self check out computer was not paying attention. Then slipped the book into my library bag hoping no one saw the cover.

And this whole thing got my brain going, and i started writing this post in my head yesterday in the car, because I was so intrigued at the way I had just acted. Let me also point out, and this is a big point: This was the first time I've ever per my memory checked out a queer book from a public library. Ever other LGBTQ book in my collection was either given to me by a friend, purchased for school (yes my college had classes on queer, cool right?) or purchased on amazon where even if the name of the amazon store had been "queers'r'us" (made-up) I truly believe the mailman has better things to do with his time. Oh and I should include pflag meetings, some Pflag chapters have a mini collection of books that you can borrow (mine does), very useful! Guess I forgot the promo for pflag above. But back to the library. It wasn't only the people around me that seemed so public, but I didn't even want the librarian to know, even though I have knowledge that most librarians are trained to be non judgmental and must respect all books/writings, even if its something they don't like or agree with. Writing is freedom and with that comes a lot of opinions.

I had to remind myself that its not only me that's like this. It reminded me of a story a friend in college told me. He said it was one of the best things at our school, that because of the liberal environment we felt we could check out anything we wanted from the school library without judgement. He told me that at his highschool, kids didn't want to check out queer books or even "different" books because of judgement. I wasn't sure if it was the judgement form librarians or peers, or if maybe parents could see there school accounts. I think they also didn't want to carry those books through the library. He told me one librarian set up a system, where she would check out materials under her name or she would get a book from the shelf for a student and hold it at her desk for them to check out when they came in. It was all secretive, and it touched my heart a bit that she was simply trying to help make students feel safe, and possibly actually keep them safe.

Maybe public libraries just feel to public for us. I hope that this will change one day. And maybe I myself will learn to be a little more confident next time. I forgot to mention that i am proud of the Waukegan public library for displaying a queer book in there new book section! :)

"Ask a queer chick" by Lindsay King-Miller, is a really cute read! I've already read the first 3 chapters since yesterday. Lindsay King-Miller is the author of the advice column, "ask a queer chick" on Told you it all connected!


Sunday, February 28, 2016

18 hours, cholent

Google: cho·lent
Jewish Sabbath dish of slowly baked meat and vegetables, prepared on a Friday and cooked overnight. 
Urban dictionary: cholent
An Ashkenazi food that looks like mush. It strongly resembles feces, but it taste heavenly.
mmmmmmmm........... that cholent smells so orgasmic 

Heres a before and after to prove the point (no reeses or boos were included): 

The history of cholent dates back thousands of years, and you can read more about it here

Growing up a reform jewish girl (emphasis on the very reform, culture only) I knew what cholent was, and it was a staple at every high holiday...the ones we actually attended. Now whether or not I ate it, as a picky eater, was another story. So the memory of it isn't strong, but I'm reminded of it every time I'm around my jewish relatives for any length of time. It came into my life again right after college, and I just graduated, and had moved in with my grandparents who are religious Jews who celebrate sabbath every week. (Please don't be offended by any misuse of wording or labeling). They ALWAYS had cholent in the house, and some there main purpose in life being grandparents was to feed me, I LIVED ON CHOLENT. Now after that year, it fell by the wayside once more, as I was reveling in the variety of food choices I had forgotten about while living there.

So what do you say prompted me to learn a jewish right of passage per say and learn to make cholent this weekend? No other than one of the other 4 (including myself) jewish coworkers at work. At this point we are a weird possy. But put any jewish person in a room with another jewish person, and you will be talking about food in 60 seconds flat, guaranteed. As soon as he said the word cholent, delicious memories of that year came back, and it was all I wanted. So here it is, my first ever attempt at cholent.

My first attempt has the major no-no's. I used canned beans. Clearly it's doomed. And I cooked in a slow cooker aka crock pot (this no no is iffy). I can only judge by taste, and it's not perfect but my first attempt tastes pretty close amazing with a side of home and love. I'll let the flavors warm me for the next week.

Recipe I made up after looking online
1/2 - 1 pound your favorite meat (I used chuck roast)
1 carton beef stock
2 cans (or equivalent) your favorite beans*
2-3 cups barley
1 onion
1 1/2 cup carrots chopped
3 medium red potatoes
Add any other veggies you like
Salt, pepper, garlic, onion powder, paprika, turmeric, cumin, **

Chop anything that needs chopping, drain and wash beans, and throw everything into the crock pot. Cook on high setting for 3 hours (if your crock pots really strong you can make it 2 hours) then low setting overnight (I cooked on low for 15 hours, for 18 hours total)

*if using fresh/dry beans, soak first (look that up!) and you may need to add water to the stock so you don't have crunchy beans.

**use whichever spices or combo there of you like.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016



Lead the way she says as you open the door
Show me how she says as her boots hit the floor
As you lead her away and she takes it all in
You look in her eyes and she looks end to end

Her arm stiffens tight, but her fingers will pry
She can’t pull the trigger, or make bullets fly
You try to show her, a dozen or so times
But you can’t explain it, fear in your own eyes

How sweet it is
To hold her hand tight as she clutches yours
You watch her spin, spin through the world
And just when she tells you she can’t do no more
You watch her wonder, your little gun-shy girl

She hold the parts, you point out the pieces
It’s pretty rough, she thinks you make it look easy
What she doesn’t know is your putting up a fight
She takes a fancy, and holds the barrel tight

How sweet it is
To hold her hand tight as she clutches yours
You watch her spin, spin through the world
And just when she tells you she can’t do no more
You watch her wonder, your little gun-shy girl

As she lets it go, pushed back into you,
We hang on tight, as we start something new

  1. You watch her wonder, your little gun-shy girl. 

Sunday, December 13, 2015


Jump. Jumping. Jumpy. I feel jumpy a lot, Sometimes from my anxiety, but sometimes in a good way. but I'm always looking to jump, im always jumping right on the train to the next thing. Ive spent a lot of time in the last year reflecting on my life so far and making ever effort to be in the moment, live in the moment. it part of a very contradictory personality. on the one side, i'm a true gemini, i love the experience of things, everything stimulates me and it promotes that "in the moment" way of things. On the other hand, im a type A personality with an anxiety disorder. I worry. a lot. and think about the future. a lot. it wasnt a month after i moved into this apartment and i was aready thinking about where I would be next year, because i want to move to the west coast? but is that so bad? can't there be a balance? I think I'm very conflicted this fall. parts of my life are so perfect. i love my job, and i like my roomate. very "right now" things that are good. on the other hand i don't like living where i live (not the town, just northern illinois as a whole). so it makes me think about how do i change it? I've got a long hard road ahead of me next year, with 2016 being only three weeks away but im trying not to dwell on it, I think for right now, i will enjoy the warm holiday smell of homemade chex mix my roomate so kindly made and enjoy a nice christmas movie.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Dating, part -1 (negative 1)

Why is dating so complicated? maybe when its complicated its not right? I also truly believe I'm making it complicated. Some people just want simple, and maybe I don't know how to do that. I understand I am very type A personality, I don't like last minute, i don't like not knowing, and its frustrating when its not obvious. It's a challenge that, on my good days, I love it. But on my bad days I can't deal.

I think i am also very scared of simple. The last time I did simple, no definition, go with the flow, it almost destroyed me. And it had a lot to do with that particular person, that person almost destroyed me, and people who knew both of us would agree. I'm to blame for some of it yes, and I was in no place, a bad place, to be doing that kind of thing.

There' one girl in particular I can't figure out for the life of me. She scares me. I need to realize that shes not the "person" from my past. She wants simple. and it scares me.

At this point that one may have fizzled out anyways, I hope not, I'm definitely still interested, I just don't know if she is. I may have screwed it up with mislead intentions...woops.

But then again can't we make our own rules? just to have companionship, and a cuddle buddy, and be there for each other every once in a while when we need someone? In theory, that sounds amazing to me, but what happens when only one person wants more? I don't know if outside of theory, I could actually handle it. one part of my brain says hell yes, and the other says hell no. I want that kind of friendship/relationship back so badly, but is it good for me?

writing has helped, I needed to tell someone and I feel like I have no one to tell. no one to scream at that I am fucking lost. I'm an honest dater, and you get 100% me all the time. However, the "me" you get can change weekly or daily,that comes with the territory, and I don't try to hide it.

I want someone who can deal with ALL OF THAT, and still just be my cuddle buddy, with movies and kisses and hugs and maybe nothing more? we will get to that later. If you deal with me part time, you still have to deal with all of me. Sorry not sorry for keeping it real.