Sunday, July 26, 2015

Monday, July 13, 2015

free write

Free write:

So I like you? I don't know you, i don't know anyone, do we know anyone? I don't know what i am thinking half the time. lets face it all of the time. I can't think straight.

life is changing life is flying I am on a roller coaster that keeps going up and I'm still waiting for the fall, waiting for the fear. fear is such a powerful thing it takes over you. even when life runs over it with a semi truck, its still there, no matter how much good, how much great, my world is entirely optimistic, and yet? i am scared shitless. something is wrong. something is always wrong

life is not this good, its not this perfect ever. my life is a hot mess of perfect is that possible? its no, it not, its just no! a big fat no. Theres shit, iImean theres always shit, and its still theres in the corner, being dealt with on occasion. But you cant stay in the corner all the time? you have to explore the room, every inch, sap up everything.I swear I'm thinking faster than I can type mind is racing faster and faster all the time but not in a way I'm familar with. this is not my illness, I don't recognize this, this life is not something i have knowledge of annd some part of me does not want to learn how to navigate it. It wants to stay in bed but that doesn't make time stand still does it? doesnt matter if your standing still or running, time always got us. This time, this thing, or multiple things, are not anything I know how to run with. I run and I'm out of breath, I don't run and the winds knocked out of me anyways. what is this? new is what it is, everything is always new, yet somehow very much the same. I don't want to fall into old habits, newness can make me break away from anything that came before. I burn bridges better than the devil himself sometimes.

but everything can be merged, everything doesn't have to be separate, why do i compartmentalize my life? to control it? well thats been going well for the last 24 years. you can't control it. being careful and being safe are completely different things, yet so intertwined its like dividing a single strand of hair. is this ok, am i allowed this?

I'm allowed to like you. I can handle it. I just need to let go.

Monday, May 25, 2015

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Sunday, April 26, 2015

Being sick sucks.....

....However I am being surprisingly productive. Since my only option is to be in bed doing nothing, I've gotten quite a bit done on my computer. stupid fucking boring life shit. Usually my weekends are a break form the computer and technology. But my laptop and netflix have been my stupid colds best friend. typing also helps since my voice was obliterated at work on friday.

So i have a sever cold, and its a doosy.You can ask anyone, i never admit I'm sick, ever. I rarely get sick for that matter. though it was april, im golden, i made it through midwestern winter without even the smallest cold or virus then.....bam. last thursday I started coughing on the way home from work (around 6pm). by the time i went to bed my throat hurt, my head hurt, i couldn't breathe when i laid down and i was coughing up a storm. It was late, and i looked in the bathroom and the kitchen and everywhere my mom keeps medicine, and nada! no cold medicine! Seriously? every kind of tums, allergy releif, and leftover antibiotics gallore, but i could not find the cold medicine. I had an epipheny and knew exactly where it was, in HER bathroom. But i wasn't going to wake her.

She really is a safe mom in that way, my little bro-albeit he would never do something like take meds-is only 14.

I settled for my own antihistemine that would temporarily make me breathe so i could sleep (sort of) and went and bought cold medicine before work on friday and sludged through the day. And now my entire weekend has been trying to rest and get better. I hate it. I hate being sick. I hate not having the choice but to be here. its partly because its nice out (spring!) and the sunshine is calling me, and partly because being forced to lay here and deal with shit in my life is anxiety provoking. but we all got to do it.

So besides my remedy of cold medicine, rest, tea, and fluids. any other cures for bad colds/chest congestion? even for next time would love to here.



Saturday, April 4, 2015

9 months later....

haha, that would have been even funnier on April 1st. so no i'm not pregnant and don't plan to be anytime soon! but in the future, lots of kids! :). In fact ive been single the past 9 months.

Sooooo lately I've been craving the writing, yearning for it, but my motivation somehow wouldn't allow me the time. in our world, when you work on a computer all day, the last thing you want to do when you get home is start up your computer......

last few months have been uneventful. I got a real job, although Im still a contract worker (temp to hire), I am treated with respect, and people are normal, were I make at least close to a living. moneys being saved, debt payed down. I moved back home, and I'm going to move again this summer.

But lately i just need to talk, scream, shout, cry and talk some more! i needed to write. even when in this im technically talking to no one. and everyone. all at the same time. online world

I don't where this journey that is life is going to take me, I am just rolling with it. or at least trying to. it been a hard winter. I still feel as though there is a lot on my plate, even though the abuse of my old job was behind me. I still feel like im going to fail everyday. I see other temp workers get fired, albeit for legitimate reasons, and even though my boos and my agency continually tell me im meeting my goals and doing everything right, I am so scared of not being ok again. not sure how i'm paying my bills. I am scared of finances, even though in 9 months I managed to pay off all credit cards accept one. I'm turning 24 and im still very scared of the real world. I always have a place to stay with family, but my family is not a financial safety net, they haven't been in a long time. its not there faults, although in my opinion some things about both my parents (they are dovorced) situations could be changed, yet they choose not to and as there daughter I have to respect that. I get mixed messages, my mom can't stand me one minute, and the next is begging me to stay, I am moving out soonish for both our sanity, and because ive created my own safety net. I have savings, and although small its more than most people my age can say for themselves, and it could get me by for 3 months if i lost my job. I SHOULD FEEL SAFE, yet I dont. I know so many other people my age (and beyond) feel these same things. it not just money, it health insurance, its work its making other people happy. I NEED TO KEEP MAKING ME HAPPY. its something I continually struggle with. I know it. I think it. I live it sometimes, but not enough of the time.

I am attempting to make healthy steps. in the fall i was in survival mode. The winter it was the where do i go from here mode. and maybe a slight bout of depression. Spring has brought me insight to do the things that are right for me. I have given up my non profit work, for now, until something else catches my heart. Im thinking next will be rescue cats.....just a thought. I considered getting a second very very part time job, and was even offered one by a friend, but remembered to say no to something i could not give 100% to. I have changed my relationships, making adult decisions not to keep people around that keep me in the past, and bring me down. I realized that i am a classic american, addicted to stuff. ive slowly made changes to declutter the stuff that doesn't make me happy.

I may have said a lot of this stuff before, and many of my posts are downers. life happens, we have to accept it and move on. i keep attempting to live every day with no regrets,

there is more to come soon my dears, lots more i want, need, to say.