Sunday, December 13, 2015


Jump. Jumping. Jumpy. I feel jumpy a lot, Sometimes from my anxiety, but sometimes in a good way. but I'm always looking to jump, im always jumping right on the train to the next thing. Ive spent a lot of time in the last year reflecting on my life so far and making ever effort to be in the moment, live in the moment. it part of a very contradictory personality. on the one side, i'm a true gemini, i love the experience of things, everything stimulates me and it promotes that "in the moment" way of things. On the other hand, im a type A personality with an anxiety disorder. I worry. a lot. and think about the future. a lot. it wasnt a month after i moved into this apartment and i was aready thinking about where I would be next year, because i want to move to the west coast? but is that so bad? can't there be a balance? I think I'm very conflicted this fall. parts of my life are so perfect. i love my job, and i like my roomate. very "right now" things that are good. on the other hand i don't like living where i live (not the town, just northern illinois as a whole). so it makes me think about how do i change it? I've got a long hard road ahead of me next year, with 2016 being only three weeks away but im trying not to dwell on it, I think for right now, i will enjoy the warm holiday smell of homemade chex mix my roomate so kindly made and enjoy a nice christmas movie.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Dating, part -1 (negative 1)

Why is dating so complicated? maybe when its complicated its not right? I also truly believe I'm making it complicated. Some people just want simple, and maybe I don't know how to do that. I understand I am very type A personality, I don't like last minute, i don't like not knowing, and its frustrating when its not obvious. It's a challenge that, on my good days, I love it. But on my bad days I can't deal.

I think i am also very scared of simple. The last time I did simple, no definition, go with the flow, it almost destroyed me. And it had a lot to do with that particular person, that person almost destroyed me, and people who knew both of us would agree. I'm to blame for some of it yes, and I was in no place, a bad place, to be doing that kind of thing.

There' one girl in particular I can't figure out for the life of me. She scares me. I need to realize that shes not the "person" from my past. She wants simple. and it scares me.

At this point that one may have fizzled out anyways, I hope not, I'm definitely still interested, I just don't know if she is. I may have screwed it up with mislead intentions...woops.

But then again can't we make our own rules? just to have companionship, and a cuddle buddy, and be there for each other every once in a while when we need someone? In theory, that sounds amazing to me, but what happens when only one person wants more? I don't know if outside of theory, I could actually handle it. one part of my brain says hell yes, and the other says hell no. I want that kind of friendship/relationship back so badly, but is it good for me?

writing has helped, I needed to tell someone and I feel like I have no one to tell. no one to scream at that I am fucking lost. I'm an honest dater, and you get 100% me all the time. However, the "me" you get can change weekly or daily,that comes with the territory, and I don't try to hide it.

I want someone who can deal with ALL OF THAT, and still just be my cuddle buddy, with movies and kisses and hugs and maybe nothing more? we will get to that later. If you deal with me part time, you still have to deal with all of me. Sorry not sorry for keeping it real.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Monday, July 13, 2015

free write

Free write:

So I like you? I don't know you, i don't know anyone, do we know anyone? I don't know what i am thinking half the time. lets face it all of the time. I can't think straight.

life is changing life is flying I am on a roller coaster that keeps going up and I'm still waiting for the fall, waiting for the fear. fear is such a powerful thing it takes over you. even when life runs over it with a semi truck, its still there, no matter how much good, how much great, my world is entirely optimistic, and yet? i am scared shitless. something is wrong. something is always wrong

life is not this good, its not this perfect ever. my life is a hot mess of perfect is that possible? its no, it not, its just no! a big fat no. Theres shit, iImean theres always shit, and its still theres in the corner, being dealt with on occasion. But you cant stay in the corner all the time? you have to explore the room, every inch, sap up everything.I swear I'm thinking faster than I can type mind is racing faster and faster all the time but not in a way I'm familar with. this is not my illness, I don't recognize this, this life is not something i have knowledge of annd some part of me does not want to learn how to navigate it. It wants to stay in bed but that doesn't make time stand still does it? doesnt matter if your standing still or running, time always got us. This time, this thing, or multiple things, are not anything I know how to run with. I run and I'm out of breath, I don't run and the winds knocked out of me anyways. what is this? new is what it is, everything is always new, yet somehow very much the same. I don't want to fall into old habits, newness can make me break away from anything that came before. I burn bridges better than the devil himself sometimes.

but everything can be merged, everything doesn't have to be separate, why do i compartmentalize my life? to control it? well thats been going well for the last 24 years. you can't control it. being careful and being safe are completely different things, yet so intertwined its like dividing a single strand of hair. is this ok, am i allowed this?

I'm allowed to like you. I can handle it. I just need to let go.

Monday, May 25, 2015

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