Active Minds!

www.VoteActiveMinds.com

Active Minds is an amazing organization that works to fight the stigma around mental health issues. I may have mentioned them before just because they truly are my savior sometimes. I am now the president of my college's chapter and this organization just means the world to me. It's helped me so much in exploring my passion to tell my story and fight for mental health awareness.

Now that the sappy parts done, here's the deal: Active Minds is up for 1,000,000 (yes 1 million) dollars from chase community giving. It only takes less than 10 seconds to vote for them online here: www.VoteActiveMinds.com

If it helps celebrities like Ahsley Benson (Pretty Little Liars) and Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall have recognized active minds amazing efforts and voted for them. It would mean a lot to me and them if you could give active minds some love and help them win the grant to expand the reach of their mission!

Thanks bloggers. Peace.

Sam

This semester

This semester I live the life of writing papers in 1 hour or less. super fun.

Peace.

for the next hour at least.

Sam

School. Blah.

Life. Officially. Sucks.

No. Correction. My school life officially sucks. 

But I can do this?

Please tell me I can do this?

I need someone to tell me I can do this!

Why Salad?

No seriously why? why does that word hold so much connotation? Why does salad just immediately turn us off. Even those who love vegetables sometimes look at that plate of mixed greens just staring back at you saying hey, you and me both know this isn't going to be pleasant. I don't know what it is but a salad, to me, never sounds all that appealing. Maybe because lately its the only vegetable i get everyday. Our cafeteria at school has progressively gotten worse and worse, after last years phase out of all the specialty things they used to be able to do for us, until Aramark started cracking down. They are a multi billion, that's right billion dollar company who is taking out there corporate greed on little old lake forest college. now  know food prices have gone up but the food we used to get freshmen and sophomore year (for less money too) was way better with much more variety than the stuff we get now. We live for the 2 days a month now that we get fresh red grapes, knowing that is the best fruit we are going to get, unlike before when we could expect fresh fruit like grapes and strawberries weekly. Sunday brunch used to be the best too, now we are lucky if we get frozen mango.

But back to salads. So I try to eat vegetables at least once in day, but the hot vegetables they serve in our cafeteria are most often peas, corn, or mixed veggies that are soggy and that I wont eat even when they are fresh. There green beans don't really taste right but I will eat them on rare occasion. If they have broccoli (about once a week?) I will eat that. but 95% of the time I am stuck with a small salad. And I am a little picky about my salads, so when I am eating the same thing every day it kind of sucks. Lettuce, Tomatoes, cucumbers, and carrots, occasionally 1 additional ingredient to try and make it better. Then its time to douse it in ranch or Thousand, because heaven forbid I have the will power to add "just a touch of vinaigrette" as people do. It also doesn't help that the vegetables from our salad bar taste terrible, they are covered with chemicals. I never thought I'd meet a tomato that I didn't like until now. I mean really why do you have to ruin the only fresh option we have, the salad bar?

Don't get me wrong, I know that many colleges are a lot worse, I mean by a lot, and we still have it pretty good. And I know there are starving children and hungry people all over the world who wouldn't complain. We could feed an army with the amount of food waste are school produces, so I try to waste as little as possible, and when say I realize I'm only going to eat half of something I will always try and find someone who wants the other half. I do try and do my part. Also see "PS at the end of this post.

But seriously food is such a "thing" in our lives. its crazy. and it just makes me want to talk about it even if it is to complain. But maybe we need different names for things. As i said before why salad? Maybe next time I should tell myself that I'm just gong to go eat a bowl of vegetables? But the word vegetables doesn't rank that well in my head either. But maybe it would make my daily lunch and dinner diet more appealing if I got more creative. Seriously I end up eating the same thing basically everyday in our cafeteria for both lunch and dinner.

Protein: Some form of chicken (usually fried), a hot dog, or on RARE occasion when they have it, beef/roast.
Veggie: Fucking Salad.
Carb: French fry/Potato or sometimes rice.

And that's about it. The alternative is to get a sandwich which then just combines all three food groups into one thing. It's so boring and I am so sick of eating the same things. Whats even worse is that I feel bad for my vegetarian and vegan friends who have almost no options except chemical salad or french fries/Potatoes. I mean they are required to serve at least one hot vegetarian dish but its not always vegan and its not usually very good.

I long for the day next may when I no longer live in a college dorm. I pay for a meal plan and its easy and convenient. Its also required unless you petition a serious dietary restriction. I had the experience of living and buying all my own groceries last semester and it really was so much better. I spent way less money than I pay for a meal plan, and the food was hell of a lot better.

Oh food. I wish I didn't have to deal with you sometimes.

PS: My disclaimer of sorts: I am a big supporter of the Benkadi project, which works to help the people of Guinea West Africa in multiple ways, including supporting initiatives that improve access to food and have clean drinking water. It main initiative is education. find out more here: http://medusadrums.com/benkadi.htm

I do my part to help, so I feel I am allowed to complain once and a while. hmph.

Peace
Sam

Poem

I know.
It's been lacking
before I run off to lunch
so many things
many many things
swirl my mind
like a tornado cupcake
a tornado cupcake one asks?
yes,
one that has made a mess all over my life
but as you lick the icing
it is still sweet
but to many things that I have to do
have to take care of
I can't stop to taste
most of them I don't want to do
my life just keeps going
in this bubble
and without my job
I'd have no check into reality
but before life runs me off today
I though I'd stop
and catch up
and maybe rant a little
about the room thats a mess
the bills to be paid
the tasks to be done
and oh the homework
the homework
where my motivation disappears completely
where a ration myself
5 minutes
10 more minutes
turns into 2 more hours
of watching my favorite poets in youtube
youtube can be so deadly
I just want to climb
climb this giant mountain that's holding me back
paper after paper after paper
but I have found my problem
when the one thats due first is the one i don't want to do
when its a choice between youtube and a different assignment
maybe not pertinent but still needing to be conquered
today I will choose the other assignment.

New Blog Material Soon...

Today...

is the day...

Futures and Freshmen

Oh the joys of freshmen. Gotta love them! I love being a first connection mentor, really truly, because I get to meet so many wonderful people. The pre-orientation program (first connection) for cultural diversity is just an amazing opportunity for the freshmen who decide to take part in it. And it's a lot of fun, for both the mentors like me and especially for all the mentee's. that's who we do it for really truly freshies, it's all for you. I'm meeting some of the coolest new peeps on campus, but it brings me to the sad fact that I will only be with them for 1 year. Crazy right?

Everything lately seems to remind me about my future. And I mean everything. The last time I'll do this, or I won't get to do that. I wish I could stop thinking about it most times because it makes me so anxious. on the other hand I'm excited to just be living my life, the life I've wanted to live for so long. To live in an apartment, work a job that makes me happy, to help others and be around people, and most importantly be myself. You know maybe I could have a social life again? or a love life?

Ugh my love life is non existent and even that makes me think about my future and the type of person I want to be with. I don't know how to meet people, or maybe I just don't have the time. I need to start making the time. Maybe this year will be different, just maybe. :)

So for all you new freshmen out there, come chill with me, come talk to me. Cleveland Young 335. OOOOh and bring me posters for my wall, its looking a little barren. Talk to you all soon, when I think about what more to write about. Having writing blanks at the moment. Peace.

Oh Blog...

...How I love you so. Although I know I don't show it. Jeez you could even see the mania in the way I wrote that last post. I'll be back very soon blog lovers, very soon.

The Mind, The Body, and The Soul.

Well, so much for keeping on my promise, but oh well. Seems like so long ago that my last post was, and this summer is flying by. With working my ass off 6 to 7 days a week there a lot of things going unnoticed, and some things that are getting noticed.

Working so much is definitely taking a toll on my body. Teaching swimming is hard work! However I know all the exercise is so good for me. And I really love my job, I get to teach kids all day! I have some really funny and cute stories from work, which maybe I'll post a few soon.

And its a good thing I have a TON of energy to keep up with both my jobs! but there is always a flip side to a lot of energy. Summer Mania. Its not making me happy right now. I mean it is literally making my mood better. My meds definitely tone it down, but the older I get the more I notice the little things. Certain times of day I start talking really fast. And I feel like I want to keep going going going, or do absolutely nothing, with no in between. The only thing I'm dreading is the crash.

Ever since I experienced a really bad depression (when I never really had before) I am constantly scared of going back to that place. I know logically I won't end up like that again if I keep on track but I'm used to illogical thoughts :P That's something I don't know if my family understands fully. There is a lot of stress in my family and an anxiety attack could easily send me down. And its the unknown really. So yea I've got a bit of mania right now, and maybe my crash just brings me back to neutral. but when? 1 month from now? 1 year? my life is just full of so many unknowns.

All I know is what I can do. I take my meds. I've been managing my anxiety 100 times better than I used to. I've been exercising. a lot. I've been doing really well overall. I am afraid of something that shouldn't happen, but still could for any number of reasons. This is the "mind" part if you didn't pick up on that. :P

As for the soul part, there are some things in my life that I love doing, besides my jobs/work. However lately, as in the last few weeks I feel like I have no time for them. I feel like ETD got slightly abandoned (sorry if you are reading this, I miss our emails!). I mean the last email I sent to my supervisor (at ETD) was like 1 sentence and took like 3 days to send. Its terrible. I have somethings I am going to do for them this summer, and they WILL get done, just don't now when yet. I've also been waiting for an ambassador council to roll around again. But like I'm so busy I can't even go to there next show. But I will in the fall, I just keep looking forward. ETD must always be a part of my life, I must make this happen. :DDD

So I think that about covers the body, mind, soul, parts. I'm all over the place. But on the brightest side, I am still finding time to enjoy my summer. Here's a pic of me from Chicago PRIDE. Instagram Style. It was so much fun. Peace.

Hello Dears,

Looking forward, I promise to fill this seemingly boring summer with plenty of juicy and interesting material for you all. Due to financial reasons and other lovely circumstances (note the sarcasm) I will be spending the next 10 weeks with my mother at her house. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, I mean free rent, most of my food is payed for, but I often wonder if the stress level is worth it. As you may already know, my mom and I are a bipolar power team to say the least. We are very alike, and just don't get along all that well WHEN LIVING TOGETHER. We have realized that we get along much better as mother and daughter when not living together, although there are still ups and downs. However, she is spending about half of each week at her boyfriends, (where she and my brothers are moving at the end of summer) and I think that will give us enough separate time for us to survive the summer without strangling each other. My brothers are another story entirely...

So yes, that means my ACM semester in Chicago is behind me, sadly! :( But never the less Chicago is continually in my future thanks to the experience ACM provided me. It has been an amazing whirlwind that ended all to soon. You gain so much more than you can ever expect on the Chicago Program. Of course there were ups and downs, as with anything in life, but the programs ups definitely outweighed the downs this past semester.

So I saved the most exciting update for last, I got the job I wanted today! Of course I am still working at my true love, the Gap (yes I'm back at Hawthorn! I never transfered more like had a 3 month leave lol). However that's very part time, so I needed another job ASAP. I have never worked a job I didn't love and enjoy, and I've come to live by that with whatever job I do. If you don't like it, you won't be performing at your best. So I went in search of a job that I would enjoy, and I had to eliminate retail because I can't work at a competing clothing store to Gap. I set my eyes on Foss Swim School, recommended to me by one of my dear friends who used to work there. I'll be teaching kids how to swim in a fun and energetic environment. I am so excited that I get to work with kids (cause I love kids, hello, I don't just work at Gap, I work at Kids and BabyGap) and I get to be in the water all summer! Yay swimming! I am so so so so so excited!

Peace. 

Good Morning Dears!

So remember way back here when I promised to tell you about my new favorite artist? Well of course you don't which is why I put the link there! His name is Dylan Scholinski, and his work is all about mental health and emotions and depression and feelings. There is also some GLBTQA influence since he is Transgender. The work he does is so powerful its unreal. Here is his website/blog. It has not been updated since around Christmas, and I am on a mission to figure out why! But there's some cool stuff on there like his artwork and his book that he wrote that is for sale. Oh and here's two videos about him and can explain better why he is so fucking awesome and such a strong person in addition to an amazing artist. Peace.

Oh! And I also spent a relaxing afternoon yesterday walking through the beautiful Lincoln Park Zoo! It is by far one of my favorite places in the world, even when I am not living in Chicago. But I had not been in so long, and I had nothing better to do on Thursday afternoon so off to see my favorite animals I went! Plus the gorgeous gardens and parks that surround the zoo. Here is a picture of one of my favorite animals, the Polar Bear! :) Peace. 

Chi-town

So due to mostly foreseen circumstances, :P I have not really discussed any of my Chi-town adventures in a great while. There's been so many it's so hard to choose. the ones I've posted about here on the blog are really only a small selection of the things I have done this semester. ACM keeps us busy. From screen printing workshops, to toxic tours of little village, to a talk by Sam Hsieh the world famous performance artist, and best yet adventures wandering around Rogers Park. So many fun things and so much art!

I'll have some more pictures up soon, but I don't have to many sadly. We get so caught up in it all that You forget to stop and snap a shot along the way. :(

If you all are ever in Rogers Park, got to the HeartLand Cafe. It is so good! Reasonably priced and just simply amazing food. The menu is not really extensive, but its all fresh and numerous vegetarian options. And REAL sweet potato fries! so yummy.

So this is a pretty random post but I just wanted to update you all on my life adventures. Tomorrow I get to go see a bunch of my friends graduate (LFC Class of 2012) so sad! but a celebration none the less.

On Sunday I get to see To Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, one of my favorite things ever. It's this amazing performance show that is one of the longest running shows in Chi. It's put on by this amazing group called the neo-futurists. The show rotates in new skits every week so its constantly changing. If you are ever in Chicago this is a must see, especially since they have a Sunday night show at 7, a great way to end a weekend when there is nothing else to do on Sunday nights.

Peace.

Guess What I Did?

I changed my hair! Yay! After letting it grow out almost all school year, I desperately needed a change. I have had it trimmed a few times, and once shaped into something cute because it was not growing evenly, and dyed it many times to give myself the feeling of change. I wanted it to be a bit longer, but I said to heck with it and decided to do the edgy cut I've been wanting to do for a long time. :) So here it is. It's only day 1 but I am liking it so far.

Oh and by the way, I did it myself so it feels even more satisfying that it came out nicely! So glad for the change!

I am drowning.

Stress is not helping me I swear. This is a rant and it's a little long, but I'd love if you'd all listen. I've been wanting to make a video blog post for a while, and this is NOT how I wanted my first one to be but it just kind of happened. Two notes. First, I think I mention something about 3 jobs, that is my usual 2-3 jobs plus school. This semester (in Chicago) I am only working one kind of, but its still just as stressful because I also have an internship. People think I have a break this semester, and that's not the case and this shit (in video) still haunts me. Plus its back to working full time overtime in a few weeks when summer starts. no break. Second note, I don't have the best relations with my mom either, so its not just the men in my life for all you stereotyping freaks. Peace!

Two things you are not going to like

I feel the need to write. But I don't know what about. There's no trigger. There's no issue. No problem or exciting event. No Happy occasion or emotional rampage. but I just want to write. Hmph. I've been thinking a lot about well, everything. Lately, although I have felt like I haven't even had a moment to think, I have actually been thinking. I guess I just didn't notice it til now. It's just like how life catches up to you. It's to late (its like 1am) for my brain to coherently talk about anything serious, but alas I think I am going to attempt this anyways. Religion and Sexuality. OK bad start, but that's what's on my mind. First of all, I was raised Jewish by my mother, mind you she's a liberal "dead head" and for a long time was the only one in her family who was not very religious. my dad's family is some very relaxed form of christian where Easter simply means food and I don't know the last time any of them have been to church. Culturally I Identify as Jewish, cause it's really a Jew thing. However, religiously, I identify with neither. I'm going to try to make this short as my eyes are not happy with me, but honestly I don't identify with any religion. However this does not mean that I am not a spiritually connected person. There was a time when I questioned a lot of things, and I came to the conclusion that I do believe in god in some form, and that god loves everyone. Now here's the rebuttal most people would give me: But your gay, you can't believe in god. But your gay, you can't be religious. But your gay, god doesn't love you. Let's get one things straight: I am not gay. I am not male first of all. I'll admit, if you extend the definition, I am part of the gay community, but I prefer to call it the GLBTQA community. and in a previous post I will quote myself in saying "I am some form of the word gay". Again in a broad sense. but back to the point... ...the point is two things. One, that gays and anyone in the GLBTQA community can be religious and/or spiritually connected. people prove that everyday and to try and deny them that right is not what the god I know would want of people. My second point is to talk about my sexuality. I had to fill out a survey today and the options for sexual orientation were: Straight/Heterosexual, Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, or Other _________. It was the first time I chose other and I filled in the blank with Queer. This may have been due to other things in the past not giving me this option, so I either chose bisexual or sometimes lesbian. Or it could be my continual questioning of my sexual orientation. The problem is I fall somewhere in between. I definitely identify more with the lesbian community, I can relate to them, because mostly I like girls, and I know this for a fact, but its not exclusively that way. The term I most relate with is pansexual, but it's often times just to hard to explain, and I am comfortable with queer. I am attracted to who I am attracted to, no matter there gender identity...Love is Love. This brings me back to god. god loves everyone and all humans deserve love, but I understand that in this world most don't receive it. I don't know where I am going with this really other than I should not have to choose one category of loving. love is love. Goodnight and Peace.

Hide and Seek

You Blog readers get a sneak peak at a poem I am turning in tomorrow. I've been meaning to post some poetry on here, since I like writing poetry, and even though this is an assignment, I am glad I wrote it and I think it turned out pretty cool. If you didn't get it already, it's called Hide and Seek. Peace.

Oooone, twooooo, threeeeeee, fooooouuuuur,…
…Ninety nine, one hundred! Ready or not here I come!
Run run run run run,
In my room, in my apartment,
Have to find my keys,
shake my bag to hear it jingle
Why does it smell like pancakes
Who is taking a shower
Making the bathroom all steamy
Why is it so cold in here
I hate the stupid wind pressing against the windows so noisy
On the street, on the subway
Don’t look at me like that
Of course you can’t hear them we are underground
So stop yelling louder at your cell phone
The train is taking forever, why aren’t we moving
God they are walking so slow
It smells like shit down here today
Or maybe it smells like weed
Ok just ignore them
Music tunes out everything
I’ll just go past them
In the buses, in the cars,
Ooh I like that song
Who is blasting their headphones
Honking is not going to get you anywhere
That polite smile as I let the elderly woman take my seat
Why are you driving anyways
Crap only 7 seconds on walk
Still 30 feet away from the cross
Smells like beer
Newspaper are so soft
Really, you think by now I know that eating drinking and gambling
ARE PROHIBITED ON ALL CTA VEHICLES
On bikes, on skateboards,
The sidewalk is for everyone
Stop trying to pass the bus like you are faster
I love the sound an unpedaled chain makes
Click scroll click scroll click scroll
In the grocery store, in the liquor store,
Loose changes clanking
Quarters in shopping carts
A maze of awkward people who don’t know how to be social
Looks and glances, sighs and screeeeeee
Thanks for taking so much effort to move your cart sideways
Where it should have been all along
Unlike in the middle of the isle where it was.
Take a basket for easy shopping!
I’m only getting like two things
Remember I can’t go inside I’ll just wait for you
I miss the bells
You know the ones in small town stores when someone walks in or out?
Eeew someone broke a carton of eggs
Target always smells so fresh
In the office buildings, in the coffee shop,
Hold the door, but with just a look
Go ahead, no you, no you, alright
Buzz whiiiiiiirrrrr.
Sssssshhhhhhhhh
A doorman that say welcome, how odd
Someone you can talk too
It smells sweet
Just stay in your space, no exploring here
Why is it so crowded, this isn’t starbucks?
The noise level variations can be polar opposites
Ok maybe not in the art galleries
But in the parks, on the boulevards,
Not strolling, power walking,
Don’t stop and smell the roses
Because you can’t smell them anyways
Wait this path is curved?
I’m going to get so lost
Birds exist?
Stupid pigeons always slowing me down
Everyone always rushing
Even after they get to their destinations
No moments here
Always living for the next
Silence is awkward, yet welcome
And why do we all love it so much
To play this game of hide and seek
Oooone, twooooo, threeeeeee, fooooouuuuur,…
…Ninety nine, one hundred! Ready or not here I come!
Run run run run run
And I start all over again
In this place that is 100 times faster than anywhere else

Ethics

Ok, I am really questioning whether to be more vague and general about this, as to not make anyone mad, or to be a bit more specific.

I seem to deal with the issue of ethics on an almost weekly basis. Think about it, I'm a psych major, I have psych problems so I've been in the system, I am a GLBTQ leader at my school, I am a trained ally at my school, I'm the president of our Active Minds chapter. If you get yourself involved in this world of helping others or being a leader, you become a go to person, and there lies problems.

So what do I do when someone comes to me? Having gone to an alternative high school, you would think I'd be so used to other people having problems or concerns, but back then, if a friend would call in need, I would comfort them as a friend, but my advice mostly consisted of "well when we go to school tomorrow you can talk to your therapist". Well those therapists and that everyday environment are not there anymore. I am really not as good at giving advice and helping deal with stuff as I thought I was.

I also don't know where to draw the line. From every training and book or anything I've ever received, I know what I should do. Obviously if the situation is life threatening, I would do exactly what others did for me, and seek outside help.

However, what about when it's not that bad, those middle of the road concerns, and I've judged the situation as acceptable whether or not I like it. I've realized in these instances, I treat my close friends different than I would treat an acquaintance confiding in me. Is it helping them to say "I know them, nothing will go wrong" and not push the issue like I would with someone I'm not close with?

I think I have to come to realize that I am a friend first, no matter who it is. Unless the situation has been made clear to me in which I am supposed to be playing another role (more like a peer counselor or something) it's not my job to judge the situation from that point of view.

I just have a fear of regretting not taking action at a time when I could of, even though it wouldn't be my fault. Got to remember, no regrets. I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks? Peace.

Sunday=Blog Day? How did this happen?

So I realized I've become boring, or at least the way I do my blog posts have. I gues I've been so busy this city keeps your mind going going going and then all the sudden bam! It's Sunday, and all of the things I didn't think about or do during the past week creep up on you, and so hence, this is usually the first second I get time to remember I even have a blog.

I blog whens its needed for me, and sometimes it's not as needed. I could still be going through a lot of stuff, especially emotional stuff, but I just didn't use blogging as an outlet.

I think I am also overly concerned about my blog, and I realize I have way to many posts (including this one) about posting on my blog, not posting, apologizing dfor ebing 3 weeks absent, ect. so here is my oath: I Sam, will no longer blog for more than one sentence ever again about how often or when I blog.

Okay, now on to the good stuff:

So this past week I have felt like a whirlwind in the ocean, constantly drowning but never getting anywhere, always staying in that middle zone. So much work was collapsed on top of me, that I kept getting behind or at least feeling like I was getting behind. I even just skipped a paper assignment because I was just so exhausted and didn't have the time.

But somehow that usual anxiety I get has not set in to much. usually I get such horrible feelings about large amount of work that I have to get done that I just avoid doing them. Maybe its because I've been taking my meds better, or idk even know, but seeing as I spent 7 hours yesterday taking photographs all over Chicago and didn't even get halfway done (I was expecting to get most of it done), I was expecting to feel different this morning. I am going to go with the good feelings, but whenever somethings different I have to question it.

I know I will get caught up at some point, so I'll just keep trudging along until then. For those who might read this and be future Chicago Program Students, don't let the beginning of the semester fool you! Much of the work on this program is non traditional, and it's a pretty slow start in the beginning, but honestly in the middle and end of the semesters you are doing more work than you could ever imagine. On the other hand it's completely worth it because you are doing work that you love. When I go to bed exhausted ever night, I never think "thank god that's over" like I might at school, I think instead, I can't wait for tomorrow! Peace.

So I might get in trouble for this one...

I don't know what will happen ( I am assuming nothing, especially since a not to many folks read my blog) but this art show was by far one of my top favorites of the semester! Its amazing all the things you get to do on this program, and they go beyond that in teaching you what you can do on your own. Visiting art exhibits, shows and galleries can be entirely free most of the time depending on when you go. I just have to share some of these powerful images with you all.

Also, sorry for the glare and bad angles on some of them, I was trying to just take quick shots of ones that I liked. It was so hard to choose, and If you would like to see more photos from the show, shoot me an email at sekulse@gmail.com or visit my facebook page. ps still working on the whole flickr concept. :)

Riffs by Yto Barrada at The Rennaissance Society at The University of Chicago

This piece is just cool.

I loved this one because I love trees and treehouse concepts.

I love artwork about children it can just be so moving. The whole show was just inspirational, and I think one of the main reasons I connected with it was because it was photography, which I generally really like. What inspires you and what do you usually like? Peace.

St. Patricks Day!

Yeah Yeah I know it's a little late but I just had to share some of these pictures! I had so much fun in the city that day! It was unbelievably warm out and sunny and made for an amazing day of green fun! And boy were there a lot of people! It makes you think about how many people are actually in one city!

They dyed the Chicago River green! This is something I've always heard about but never actually seen in person!

They also dyed the fountain green! Chicago takes there Irish Pride seriously! I really thought this fountain was cool when I first saw it and very artistically inspirational!

Clearly, we take things so seriously that we needed Power Rangers in our St. Patty's Day Parade. I didn't understand this one.

More stuff to come soon. Peace.

Another quick blurb for you

First my lovely's, I promise photo's soon! I know I've been really bad lately on posts and photo's, but soon! Also I thought my blog needed a quick makeover, and thought you all would enjoy it as well. I getting really into web and computer arts and there are some really cool art pieces in the works in the meanwhile that I will get to share with you all in about a month!

Mentioning new art, I have found a new favorite artist! He is so amazing, and his work is even more brilliant! However, because of these awesome art projects I am working on, I can't share with you who it is! As soon as the project is complete, I can, but I made a promise to myself not to overly promote materials I may be using. Which is a bit sad, because it's limiting being able to share stuff I love or stuff I dislike which is part of how I express myself. You will soon see how ironic this is, and I will leave it at that. Peace.

It's been a while...

As much as i like Britney Spears song introduction, that's not where I am going with this. :P

Anyways it really has been way to long since I have posted, I let school and life really get the best of me. It happens, now lets move on to the good stuff!

Where to start. Chicago is so full of life and feeling. it amazes me, inspires me, angers me, frustrates me, confuses me, and makes me so happy all in the course of a single day! This is really difficult for me to handle! You know with my emotions already hard to navigate.

Today's post is about how people (including me) live there lives, and not just in the city but everywhere. However this will be in the context of how I am living.

Even in a city as Large as Chicago, everyone see's it. everyone does it. That dirty look across the L train. Walking past someone a little too quickly. That stare across the street. Hate. Dislike. Different. its all the same and all of its bad. I will admit, I given that dirty look and when I catch myself, I think horribly of myself for doing so.

A while ago, on a blog I just discovered an article blew up over the internet called "I'm Christian, unless your gay". http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html/2/

What he talks about in this piece seems so natural to me, because I agree with him almost every step of the way. I like to believe that all humans are equal and deserve love, and that everyone should show respect for one another no matter what they believe to be right. However, i realize my actions, don't always match what I believe.

In most people's eyes, including my own, I am some form of the word gay. I am in understanding that being in this city I have some privilege which I did not ask for, but is placed on me by society. I am a white woman, who probably comes off as average or middle class, maybe from the clothes I wear, or other things. my hair has grown out a bit (ie not short and lesbian, as many would stereotype), henceforth, throw some mouse in it or heck even a flat iron if I getting really fancy, and I come off as 100% straight to anyone seeing me walk down the street. Normal. Average. Privilege. ps I also carry a purse, what a shocker!

So for the Hispanic man walking down the street in Logan square, because he has come to expect someone like me, a young white gentrifier, if you will, to look down on him, he has learned to do the same in return, to look down on me, and give me that dirty look right back, whether I looked at him or not.

It is a system of disrespect of differences and pure hatred that has perpetuated this. And I don't like it one bit.

I've been on the other side to. I've been the blindly obvious lesbian walking down the street, and if not in say, Boystown, I get looks, most of them not nice.

In my time living here, I have tried and put much effort into doing the exact opposite. To giving a sympathetic smile to the homeless man on the corner of Clark street. Know that when I stare briefly, it is truly with understanding eyes, curious eyes. I envy the girl who walks down the street with a Hijab on her head every single day.

They are not better than me, nor I better than them. They are all people living on this earth and we all deserve the same treatment. We say this world is becoming more tolerant but sometimes I don't see it.

On the other hand I know I I'm not perfect, and I'm still working to make all my actions match my beliefs. Every day I ride the buses and L trains and every day I make that semi conscious decision to sit next to the white woman instead of the black man. When I catch myself, I try to make up for that decision in some way, correct myself later, so that I can show the world all the love I have for everyone who lives here, no exceptions or exclusions.

I want to only do what I believe is fair and right. You can not fight for equal rights (that means you gays!) if you have hatred for another group and believe that they are not equal. maybe my smile will make a small difference for someone one day. Show your love to the world, and you will be loved back. Race, Religion, Culture, Ethnicity, Sexuality, and Gender Identity. None of it matters. so show your love to everyone! Peace.

On Second Thought...

I should probably tell you all about this play I saw yesterday cause it really was just that good. It was a pay-what-you-can night at the Steppenwolf and that means A broke girl like me can afford to go see a pretty cool show. It was also a show put on by Steppenwolf for young adults, so most of the actors high school students and such which I love to see since I have a high interest ion young adults and children's theater. It was insanely good quality acting! Ok ok ok on to my real pointful response.

FML: How Carson McCullers Saved My Life. Yes that is what it's called. It poised as the story of this girl Jo, a gay high school student in a catholic school, as told through her graphic novel, but really its the story of all 5 characters in the play and how everyone is affected by the situation that is occurring. There's Jo, then there's her brother Reed, who doesn't think anything of her being gay, there's Jo's best guy friend, whose also presumed gay, Mickey, there's Emma, Jo's new chem partner turned only "straight" girl in school who would want to be friends with Jo, and last there's Ms. D, the new English teacher, also presumed gay.

In an interesting plot, none of the enemies or negative characters were portrayed on stage. It gave the play way more focus on what was actually occurring, and made us imagine that these "bad guys" could be anyone in the real world. I think the three young students in this show portray 3 different levels of dealing with gay in a straight world. Mickey, Always wants to fight, do do what's right by taking action, convincing others that they should say something. Jo is in the middle, Just dealing with the teasing and Harassment and she doesn't want to make a fuss so she doesn't draw more attention to herself, but still stands out and is not going to blend in. Then there's Emma, who is struggling with why she maybe likes Jo, and is caught between her abusive boyfriend Tyler and Jo, struggling with learning about what being gay really means for Jo and others and trying to be the best friend that she knows how to be to Jo.

Ok enough with the character development, the play's plot is simple enough, but at times not cliche and at others very cliche. Jo, is struggling but it gets worse as the story goes on. Little bings of light happen along the way, when she confides in her very understanding teacher, Mrs D. when the school changes the rule where girls were required to where skirts, but there is still a gradual decline. First its someone defacing Jo's locker with the word "Faggot" and then the climax, is Jo getting beaten up close to death after a school basketball game and lands her in the hospital for a week. It is a sad, shocking, and unexpected climax, that jolts you right in the middle of this story. I also thought the ending was a little short, but an amazing choice. No happy ending, no resolution. Ms. D, the only teacher Jo likes at her catholic school, gets fired. Even though Emma repairs her friendship with Jo, Jo does not seem to "get better" (although she heals from the beating and returns to school). The piece ends with just Jo and Mickey, ditching school and having a conversation.

I could have gone on to explain that story forever and in such detail of all the little things that happened. I loved the show more than you can ever know. It was not a PSA, It didn't come off as anything predictable or what I may have expected. It was reality, raw, real, and true, but still portrayed in a semi fictional way. The emotions, the feelings, even the behaviors from all sides are things that go on in our world every single day. A world where kids are not safe from each other is the sad world that we live in and I like to think that I fight to change that every single day. I don't dislike someone for not having the same views as I do, but as long as you can show me respect, I will give you that in return. I've lived with a catholic roommate, I have another friend who does not believe in gay rights. Neither of them have ever pushed there views on me and I don't push on them, and we have great friendships because of it, and I have learned so much from both of them. The problem that I have is with parents, adults, and other people who don't let children think independently, don't let them form their own views. or don't teach them to respect others even if they have different views than you. That last piece is what is really going to save our kids and save our future. Plays like this are so important for people to see because they truly make you think and help you understand from all perspectives. Peace.

Sunday Morning

I don't feel like doing homework at all. I have some internship things and personal chores to do but I will get those done tonight. Only one homework assignment and I have Monday night to do that. I don;t know if any of the decisions I make are good ones anymore. I question everything on whether it's a rational one and I can't seem to come to conclusions about a lot of things. Even something simple and chilling with an old friend today because I have nothing else I really want to do. but also because I need some socializing due to many reasons. At least the weather has been insanely nice and it's been helping improve my mood a bit, which hasn't been great. It's also letting enjoy the city that much more and learning to love it even more than I did which I thought was impossible. I mean I even got sunburned yesterday. Unheard of for March in Chicago. Today just seems to be a lazy Sunday morning, which is always well needed. Next up will be some cool pics to share so stay tuned. Peace.

You need to show your work. Those are the words that I dreaded when I was a kid. Please write down all the steps. I need to see that you know the process. I hated writing down the steps and I hated explaining my process. Why? because I couldn't.

I can't explain what's in my head or how my head works. When I see a math problem I can solve it entirely in my head in a series of steps that make no logical sense to anyone but me and others who think like I do. Seriously, read some research, a lot of bipolar kids think this way. And no offense, I solved it faster than the teacher every time. The "right" or "correct" or in their eyes "only" way they would teach us to do math in school seemed so inefficient and after learning the basic steps in the first 10 minutes I would automatically start connecting the shortcuts to solving the problem. Doing all the steps and showing how you got to each number was so frustrating to me and it takes me ten times longer to process the steps than it does to actually solve the problem. And yes I would get the same right answer as everyone else, I just solved it differently.

Now since giving up math at the physics level in High School, I haven't had to deal with this much except for a short semester stint in a college math class, not really by choice. And I probably would not have stuck it out in High School as long as I did if it weren't for an awesome math teacher who let my brain do as it pleased. Plus I had gotten a lot better at dealing with this as a teenager than I did when I was younger. I could explain parts of things, just enough to keep the teachers satisfied.

So I'm not going to say that's exactly what I had to deal with today, but I think its a good metaphor. For some reason my emotions got a little out of wack and my frustration level became a little to high for my liking before I had the chance to stop it from rearing its ugly head. My argument was dead from the get go, mainly because I was trying to defend a process in which I can't verbally explain. This lead to an awkward situation that I am not happy about.

That's all I really have to say at this point since my brain is still processing it. Advice always welcome. Peace.

Making Full Circles

So just now, I realized something pretty amazing that I learned from my internship, that connects right back to my art seminar class.

Just yesterday, we went to visit the Art Institute of Chicago, a very beautiful museum and definitely a treat. We specifically went to see a new show in the new modern wing of the museum. It's called LightYears (http://www.artic.edu/aic/collections/exhibitions/LightYears/index) and It was almost all photography, so I loved it! If you are in Chicago and like art even in the slightest, go check out this museum.

On to today. Today, I was working, I've been researching grants and possible funding sources for my internship all day. I come across a tricky organization and I found out what they have previously funded and right in the middle of all these normal 5 and 10 thousand dollar grants, there is this larger one to the art institute. It didn't shock me to much since it was a museum, it was only later that I made the connection. There was not much more on this foundation, but there was plenty on the guy who created the foundation, so out of curiosity I click on a link for him. Turns out, him and his foundation were one of the main sponsors of the Art Institute's modern wing! Pretty cool huh?

Not only did I get to see and discuss some very cool art yesterday, I got to spend part of my day today learning about one of the dudes that made it possible for me to see that art! I know I'm a dork sometimes but seriously this is how you learn! I love how this program comes full circle. Peace.

If I meet one more alumni I swear I'll...

...Love my school more than ever! No seriously, maybe it's because I live in the midwest, maybe it's because a lot of Alumni end up in Chicago, but I swear Everytime I talk to anyone and tell them what school I go to, they know someone who went there. If it wasn't themselves that went their, it's always their sister's ex boyfriend, their Aunt, their best friend's cousin, I could go on.

So today I have a short story that may not have all that much to do with Chicago, except if it weren't for the ACM program, I would not have met this person. Additionally, my spirits turned themselves around a bit yesterday, and I've had good motivation both yesterday and today, which is giving me the energy to write this. I'm glad, because I was very sullen last week.

Apologies, to the point. So today, I met Heather. She is one of the program associate's for ACM, and manages a bunch of the study abroad programs. I was at the ACM office today (The one on Wacker Dr, not the Chicago program office) and I thought it was cool when I found out she was an Alum, but I think she was more intrigued than I was, as she came up to me and started asking about my majors! It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who knows Lake Forest, the campus, certain inside references, ect. And I think she liked hearing about things that were currently going on. I mean, unless Alumni are visiting my campus for the purpose of talking to students, I never really know what to say to an alum in an offbeat setting, because sometimes they are just not interested. I was super glad she initiated the conversation, and I think I ended up taking up half her lunch break with all my babbling! Let's just say we talked for a while. She gave me some good advice, made me feel connected, and gave me hope for still being connected to my school, even after I graduate.

It's the little encounters like these, where I had planned to be home by a little after 12 but didn't end up leaving the ACM office til 12:45, that just make my days worth while. It boosted my mood, and again it was another opportunity taken in the spur of the moment and so worth it. Maybe I will start connecting with more Alumni. Peace.

Neighborhood Adventures, minus the documentation.

Sorry for no pictures this week, the only opportunity I felt could have benefited from pictures, which I will get to a bit later, is the one where I forgot my camera. Hence you will have only my words to go by.

I felt my like my morning story and my Chicago adventures this past week required separate posts, otherwise It would be one really really really long post.

Anyways the past two Friday's have been really good highlights for me in our class known as Core Course. Two Friday's ago, we got to explore one of Chicago's many secrets, The Pedway. I already knew a little about the Pedway from one of my teachers, Robyn, and she told me about this shortcut to get to school. I was a little hesitant when she said it was underground, thinking it sounded a little sketchy, but she was like no, no, it's a shopping mall. Now I was really confused but willing to give it a try. So the next day I got off the blue line at Washington (instead of Clark and Lake) and since then I've been hooked. It's so much faster! I knew that the Pedway extended far past where I turned up the stairs to go to the street level, and promised that I would explore where it leads to someday, not knowing that that day would be so soon! Our core course teacher's Robyn and Mary, decided to take our class on a Pedway adventure, and I got to explore more of the Pedway territory, and I can now get anywhere I need downtown using this amazing system.

Yesterday however, was a whole new experience entirely. Our Core course class was split up into 2 groups to study 2 different neighborhoods, one was assigned to go to Bronzeville and and my group was to go to Humbolt Park. I knew a bit about both neighborhoods, and knew there was much more to them than there bad reputations. I was glad I got to go to Humbolt Park, as Peurto Rican influence was much more interesting to me as I have friends who are Peurto Rican, or who are from that area. The goal was to learn by talking to people from the community (meetings that were set up by our teachers) and it was so amazing. In the morning I got to meet Brooke, an amazing and young 20 something who founded a non profit arts center called Rumble Arts which offers free art programming and free community space to the community of Humbolt Park. She gives and finds programming that the community wants, not what she wants to give. In less than four years it has gone from her and 1 room to 3 floors of an entire building and 8 partner organizations. She is so inspirational and it is really cool talking to someone who is doing exactly what I want to do, giving back to people especially the arts.

The rest of our day was just as cool, we ate some pretty good Peurto Rican food for lunch, and visited the Intsitute of Peurto Rican arts and Culture which is a beautiful building with a history that intrigued me. At that point, I was wishing that we could have heard about the other parts of Humbolt Park, not just the highly publicized Puerto Rican side, but had settled with the fact that since we were at a Puerto Rican Center, that was just what our teachers had set out for us to learn about today. HA! Little did I know about a fiesty Peurto Rican named Dr. Jose Lopez, who, in my opinion, if he wasn't spending his days being the face of Humboldt Park, should be a professor at a university. This man told us stories, and did explain the whole Humbolt Park, and almost put more emphasis on the African American influence than anything else. He was very entertaining to listen too, and I think I learned more from him historically and educationally than I have all semester. If he was a professor, I would take every class he offered. Peace.

Chicago, the city of Bipolar weather, perfect for me!

Well with no pun intended (well maybe a little) in that title, Chicago has really been a bag of surprises lately. It has gone from sunny and 10 degrees, to sunny and 45 degrees, to 20 degrees and freezing snow that melts into lots of water the next day when it goes to 50 degrees again, and now this morning, it is lightly snowing. So despite the sky not being able to make up its mind and the unseasonably warm days we've been having, I am slowly reminded that it is still winter this morning, even though the snow is not sticking and I walked to and from the coffee shop with just a warm sweater, no jacket. I also remembered that is is now March, and that spring will soon be upon us, hopefully.

However I would love to mention the awesome coffee shop I went to this morning, but it requires a short background story before of how I ended up there. Around 10am my roommate came in and said that some people were going to get breakfast at the Cozy Diner, a cute little place by the train which I've heard nothing but good things about there food. She asked me to come and at that point I had been up for an hour or so reading and I was definitely getting hungry. I threw on a sweater over my leggings, and waited for the rest of them to finish getting ready.

Growing up Jewish, I've been to quite a few diners and breakfast places, and I assumed that my roommates had the same background knowledge about how busy diners are on a Saturday morning around 10:30, and you are always expected to wait but it rarely takes more than five or ten minutes to be seated. I guess I assumed wrong, and as soon as they saw the crowd, they quickly decided to go across the street to the Taqueria for Mexican food. I felt bad leaving them, but I just was not in the mood for Mexican this morning, so I said I'd catch them later and I was just going to walk back.

I didn't walk more than 20 feet before I saw a sign that was ringing a bell in my brain. Cafe Mustache was just staring at me from right across the street. Now, wasn't that the coffee shop that I've heard about from no less than 3 people who live or have lived around here, but had yet to try? If I couldn't try the diner this morning, why not take the opportunity to try something else new? Besides I really wanted breakfast. and Coffee. Turns out, the Coffee was really good (and bottomless!) and the scone was perfectly sweet. the place was full, but not crowded, there was no line but almost always a customer at the counter, and it was quiet, but not silent, with music you could here and a perfect hum of people, but 1000 times more relaxing than the fast paced noise you'd find in any Starbucks on a Saturday morning. I stayed a little over 20 minutes enjoying my breakfast and then decided I need not dilly dally as I have so much work to get done this weekend.

Backtrack to last night, a bunch of the students from the program were going to this comedy thing with a moderate cover charge. When I turned them down, someone said I was going to regret not going to things. I think they were pointing out the fact that I don't do things with "the group" as much as the rest of them. But in all honestly I probably more experiences than they have. I go to film screenings and coffee shops. They go to museums and Subway(the restaurant chain). When they chose to stay in and have a small gathering of students chill at the apartment last Friday night, exactly like they would do any weekend at college dorms, I chose to take advantage of free tickets to a play instead. I like to think that a lot of the students in this program take advantage of the popular, where as I like to think I take advantage if the unexpected, unpopular, or last minute. Again different interests. Peace.

Alone in a big city

Ok so here come the waterworks...just kidding, but no seriously this might get a little emotional. This my therapy for the week so if you don't like it shut the fuck up and go away. :)

Mentioning therapy its really hard to be without it sometimes. I can't afford it so I only get counseling from my school (which is free) and right now I'm not at my school, so hence, no counseling. I know that I can call them and check up with things over the phone if I need but I'm ok for now. Counseling is an expense that I will probably have to live without after college, so this is good getting used to it. besides writing and blogging helps.

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to. Even at school I don't have any close close friends, just a few who are good friends (and put up with all my craziness) but most of them are abroad. There is one or two who are still at LFC but that hour train ride seems like a million miles away. You get caught up in this city and my schedule is so hectic (but in a very good enjoyable way). The kids in the program are all super nice and I love all my apartment mates, but I haven't really connected with any of them that well, and a lot of the time I just seem to have different interests.

And with my schedule, when do I have time to meet new people? how about never. I hardly ever talk to anyone in Wisconsin anymore. Besides my ex, I always felt like I was trying to be part of a group that I wasn't welcome in. And the one friend I know who lives in the city (Chicago)? She's a little tied up right now in her own little world (although I still love her to death). seems to me I am on my own in the big place. At times I feel very lonely, even though I know I'm not alone. I mean I'm almost literally never alone due to living with 5 other people!

I'm not depressed, I really am enjoying life, my social life is just one need of a little love. I mean this past weekend, I went to 3 different art events, and I went by myself to 2 of them because no one else wanted to go since they weren't "mandatory field trips". Although I do respect the fact that some of them would rather spend there Saturday night going out to clubs and stuff cause believe me I wish I was 21. But since I'm not I'm taking full advantage of every other opportunity.

I'm naturally a very social person so stuff like this hits me hard. I may be a little sad, but I am keeping a smile on. Peace.

Puppets!

I saw the puppet bike in action today! It was so cute and adorable! the puppets even interact with you! I watched for a few minutes, then I cautiously took out my camera to take a picture, without trying to look rude. Well apparently the puppets got the message, since one of them disappeared and then reappeared with a cell phone in hand. Not just a cell phone, a camera phone with the camera facing at me! he was mocking my picture taking! lol. I almost couldn't stop laughing my whole rest of my walk to the ACM office. Wish I could have stood there all day!

Here's a quckie for you

To learn more about the amazing organization I am interning for this semester, Erasing the Distance, watch this youtube video! :) (How hard is watching a video? come on now, really?). Peace.

Monkey Business

So I just thought this is a cool pic in general and thought it would be a good way to end the night. This is the Monkey Box (or at least that's what I think it's called?) that was parked outside the ACM CP Office:

Peace

To Milenium, and Beyond!

So on this lovely Sunday I actually managed to scrounger up the energy for two adventures! :o I know it's shocking. But in a place like this you just have to make time for everything. And as tired as I am right now, and no matter how bad my knees hurt, it was all worth it. In recent years, Millennium Park has been the highlight of Chicago, or the newest big thing. Did you know it's actually considered a rooftop garden? Yup, since there are parking structures and other things underneath, it was Chicago's way of getting funding for the project, since apparently we didn't need another park. Who doesn't need another Park? Well maybe the people in charge of money were right in some sense, Chicago is known to be might I say, VERY VERY VERY COLD, for about half the year, making parks less attractive. Since Millennium Park was built anyways, to combat this problem of a more than slow tourist season during these late winter months, They came up with a plan to get us Chicogoans outside again and enjoying the park. It's called Luminous Field, and in my opinion its a very clever and quite enjoyable art display of video and sound created by a Chicago artist all surrounding the Famous "Bean". It was pretty cool and I enjoyed seeing the different angles, but it's only good to keep your attention for about a few minutes. It is definitely something suited towards kids, who were running the the lights and stepping on the the ever changing colors with pure smiles and enjoyment and it seems they could do that endlessly. Tomorrow is the shows last night, so I took the opportunity to see it when I could. My pictures arent the best because my camera does not agree with darkness very well, but some turned out pretty cool:

Peace

Logan Squared

Chicago is an amazing city none the less, but Logan Square is an even more amazing neighborhood as I am slowly discovering. Besides the good Mexican food joints I see scattered everywhere on a daily basis, I was not seeing any other types of food around, until today that is. I knew that there are many different and amazing places to get food here, I just haven't really seeked any of them out. However, in the midst of gathering photo's for an art project I have to do, I found a strip of four restaurants, all that looked unique and intriguing, and none of them to my knowledge serve Mexican food! I was almost saddened that I had not brought my wallet, only my camera and notebook, so that I could have stopped for a late lunch. However my face lit up just as I turned the corner and saw not only the blue line station a block away (hey, I was tired from walking all over the place gathering pictures!) but the gorgeous "square" that i see as the heart of Logan Square. Its more oval shaped to say the least, and the streets function in sort of a roundabout fashion. As cold and tired as I was I decided to stop and take a few picture in this small beautiful outdoor stretch of green:

Peace

Photo Bomb! Well let's take care of a few things first.

Ok fellow readers and bloggers alike, tonight it will be about telling stories through photos, as I have many fun things to share. I've been on a few adventures lately in this city, and this blog is a place for sharing my experiences. There will be some writings along with the pictures, and just pre-warning, at some point in the near future I love to start sharing thoughts about my arts escapades and numerous projects, since that is really what this is all about. Also, since I do not want to bombard this blog with dozens upon dozens of photos, I am in the process of creating a public photo page (flickr, photobucket?)and putting a link on the side so that anyone that wants can see everything. I'll just post my favorites on here (my blog page).

Ok so before I move on, there are two little notes about my life for anyone with curious eyes:

Business: I started an internship yay! Not only do I have an internship for the semester, it's with the most amazing organization in the world (at least in my eyes!), Erasing the Distance. It's run by only 3 people, which means that hopefully I get to do a lot more cool stuff and not just be an office girl. I am hoping to learn so much from them and I am so thankful they are giving me a chance! To read more about them go to there website http://www.erasingthedistance.org/

Personal: Life is a whirlwind of chaos, a roller coaster that never ends, and very emotionally tolling! But as I try to take things as they come, not only am I single, I'm really trying to talk to people and get myself back "out" (lol) there! :P Any friends want to hook me up? I've had a major lack of meeting new people and making new friends the last 6 months or so.

Peace

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures!

I realized I never posted pics of my new apartment so here are a few for anyone not in ACM to see! There is a massive amount of food here with six people! Also a few of us had to take a trip to Chinatown for orientation and there is a pic of that too. Had a blast. good food in Chinatown. Peace.

My Emotions and My New Family

Lately, I've been trying to keep many things under control, especially my emotions. I mean simply during the day to get through things, you know? I was starting to feel slightly bottled up, and I know from past experience that keeping emotions inside for me is a not so good idea. It's just been such a whirlwind lately, that I feel like my head is spinning sometimes! And to make matters slightly worse, I made my head literally spin last night with I little but to much fun if you know what I mean. It was a good time with some new friends, but a bad way of dealing with problems.

However what has been helpful (besides blogging), is actually talking to people. who knew? I've been feeling very alone and out of place lately, and finally getting to chat with my friend Sarah (who also lives in Chicago but we only chatted online) felt so good. I mainly lashed out a bit about my now ex girlfriend and the breakup, but it was exactly what I needed. I mean it's been less than two weeks since we broke up officially but it feels like a lifetime ago. However, one person is great, but getting a second perspective is even better. So, thank my lucky stars that somehow I got talking to one of my new classmates in Chicago, and had a sad but amazing conversation about break-ups and really how hard things can be. Somewhere in there I think I got some tips on how to deal, especially with all this other change is my life.

It's official, my heart is broken, and only time and maybe my new Chicago family, will mend it.

Mentioning family, the group of Logan square kids, as we now kind of call ourselves, is planning our first Logan square family dinner tonight, at our apartment. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, veggies, garlic bread, banana bread, and my chocolate chip cookies, all with my new family sounds like a good old time.

Peace.

ps: I know I've been talking a bit about this break-up and other semi related things, but I speak whats on my mind. However, even though this blog is for my thoughts, feelings, and life things, if there is something you would like to see on here, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I would love to share my opinions on anything my readers like. You can also contact me at the numerous links on the side of my blog page, including anonymous messages at Formspring (but put in the title somewhere "blog")

6 people, one shower,

Well at least the whole one shower thing was a success this morning. we will continues to figure out a good schedule, I'm sure.

hysterically a coincidence, my new roommate is the other Emily Summers! but she is super sweet and I'm so glad she is. :)

We all stayed up a bit to late but all slept very well. Today is officially our first day of actual orientation and I think I speak for all of us when I say we are all really excited. There is some sort of city scavenger hunt today though, which I don't think us running around outside in the cold is that great. Hopefully though the weather does not seem to bad.

I am so busy I don't even have time to thin about the tragedies of late until I rest my head on my pillow at night. Sometimes I just feel like crying then, but I usually just try to get distracted in a book and forget about the world. Any suggestions on dealing with any of this? Peace.

ps: sending prayer for my papa (grandpa) today who is having knee surgery. <3

Chicago and the Chicago Tribune, cleary, all in a days work.

More like in the same week! Yes that right my lucky socks landed me in an article that ran in the Chicago Tribune on Wednesday. Coincidence that it was the same week I moved to Chitown? Maybe or maybe not.

Since I like to talk about mental health on here sometimes, (although maybe I haven't in a while?) I thought I'd share the article on here as well. It's very therapeutic in a sense for me to share parts of my story and try and make a small difference. I lie to be honest and open about my Bipolar disorder and I hope this shows how speaking up and talking about it at anytime can really help. Hope you all enjoy the read and Peace.

The Chicago Tribune is Awesome

Is this real?

Is it really February? Am I really living in Chicago? Did I really just break up with my girlfriend? Did my life really just flip upside down?

I mean its all good right? well maybe not some parts, but for the most part change is good, yes?

Anyways, I get to see my new permanent (well at least for this semester) apartment today! I don't get to move in yet but since I'm a student worker we have to go around to all the apartments and take inventory and clean and stuff. Its not so bad, especially since I have my partner in cleaning crime Emily. haha. I'm just super excited to see what it looks like!

This semester , although I'm anticipating it to be hard, will also be so much fun for me. I am embracing this semi fresh start here, and I already know that I can't wait for graduation so I can move back to this amazing city. This city is definitely real I know that much. Peace.

Hyde What?

Hello all, tonight's going to be a short one but thought I'd let you all know that I am officially a chicagoan, if that's what its called. This a picture of the apartment I'm staying at temporarily until mine's ready next weekend. Right now I'm in Hyde park and I will be moving to Logan square, an awesome neighborhood with a diverse mix of people.

Here's a funny coincidence for you. I'm here early for the semester because I'm helping the ACM office with some clerical and cleaning work, along with one other student Emily Summer's. Crazily there are 2 Emily Summer's doing the Chicago thing this semester and the other one (who's not here yet) is one of my new apartment mates in Logan Sqaure! How awesome is this. And possibly a bit confusing in the near future. Hope you all are fantastical and as always, Peace.

Laundry

So if you don't now or even if you do, there's an expression that comes to my mind today referred to as "cleaning house". Its kind of like cleaning up a messy situation or cleaning up your life. And over the last few weeks, my life has become quite the mess.

As I dumped my basket of clean laundry onto my bed for folding this afternoon, I looked around my room, and realized I could barely see the floor. How could it have gotten so messy in just the few short weeks that I've been staying here. That made me think about how not only was my room a mess, but it was completely representative of my life. In the past few weeks I have dealt with things that I thought I left back in high school, like family drama that involved the police, a fight with an old friend that just might mean the end for us as friends, and most recently this week, my girlfriend and I broke up.

That last one has kind of put me over the edge a bit, however I keep thinking ahead to everything that's in front of me. Through all of this instability, I have taken much salvation in volunteering at a local elementary school. I was with the kindergarteners and first-graders and at that age they have a love for learning and new experiences that could inspire anyone. I could of found numerous other ways to use up my excess winter break time or found other escapes from my life of stress, but I was so glad I chose to do what I did. I wish I could continue with it because I only got to volunteer for about 2 days a week for less than 3 weeks and it went by way to fast!

As per usual time seemed to fly by and my winter break which seemed so dauntingly long at first is all but gone. I am now left with one weekend and a menagerie of tasks to finish up before I move, both physical and emotional, in all parts of my life. Chicago will be an amazing change for me and I will make sure that I am in the best place to take on the city by storm!

Out of Order

Life is strange sometimes, and its very hard to watch a part of someone's life become so completely messed were it feels like there's no return. Everyone always says, "oh my life is such a mess right now" but when are our lives not messy? Even when you have order in your life its never perfect. There's always something going on that's different than the normal or out of routine. For me, order is a godsend and a curse. Routines, schedules, and patterns, as boring as they all sound I know are good for me and help me get through life a bit better. Problem is, they are to hard to keep up with. My life tends to have a general outline but never anything strict or rigid. When things become to routine for me something out of the routine will throw me off and sometimes affect me negatively when it really shouldn't. I like structure but I also like freedom and its a hard balance.

Its winter break right now and its especially hard for me in this time of year because I don't really have a routine. no classes or homework. 2 of my 3 jobs were based at my school so the only thing i have is 1 part time job maybe 3 days a week if I'm lucky. I am no doubt finding ways to fill my time, but the not having to wake up at the same time everyday, although thoroughly enjoyable, affects the way my head works sometimes.

But all this freedom and time has let me handle life's newest curve ball with ease; moving to Chicago. There are simply so many things to think about! Who's coming with me in my drive to Chicago and to help me move in and take my car back? If one person goes its less help, and if two people go less room in my truck. My mom won't drive in the city but wants to come anyways? Do I borrow my friends truck cause it has more room? Do I buy my grocery's before I leave because the taxes and prices in general are higher in cook county than in Lake county or Mchenry county? groceries again means less room in my truck. Will my job transfer at the Gap go through on time? Will keeping my job at a company I love still work out with the rigorousness of the program I'm embarking on? Should I stop worrying about when I'll here back from ACM about every email I send and checking it obsessively? What's it going to be like without my truck, aka my baby and the one thing I have to my name? Do I really have enough money to do this and have I planned well enough?

Well technically I'm still in the process of planning but I like to have things decided sometimes so I know what to expect. Other times I enjoy surprises and the unknown, but generally this doesn't apply with school, because I can tell you for sure that I don't enjoy writing surprise essays.

As for break, my life may seem a bit out of order in my mind, possibly a complete mess, but I'm trying to keep it all together and stay focused on the goal of getting to live in this amazing city for a few months. All the little details will get figured out even if at the last minute, for which I am hoping not. I hope I'm not the only one with all of these things running through my head. I am definitely ready for the new routine that Chicago will bring me. Peace.