Free write:
So I like you? I don't know you, i don't know anyone, do we know anyone? I don't know what i am thinking half the time. lets face it all of the time. I can't think straight.
life is changing life is flying I am on a roller coaster that keeps going up and I'm still waiting for the fall, waiting for the fear. fear is such a powerful thing it takes over you. even when life runs over it with a semi truck, its still there, no matter how much good, how much great, my world is entirely optimistic, and yet? i am scared shitless. something is wrong. something is always wrong
life is not this good, its not this perfect ever. my life is a hot mess of perfect is that possible? its no, it not, its just no! a big fat no. Theres shit, iImean theres always shit, and its still theres in the corner, being dealt with on occasion. But you cant stay in the corner all the time? you have to explore the room, every inch, sap up everything.I swear I'm thinking faster than I can type mind is racing faster and faster all the time but not in a way I'm familar with. this is not my illness, I don't recognize this, this life is not something i have knowledge of annd some part of me does not want to learn how to navigate it. It wants to stay in bed but that doesn't make time stand still does it? doesnt matter if your standing still or running, time always got us. This time, this thing, or multiple things, are not anything I know how to run with. I run and I'm out of breath, I don't run and the winds knocked out of me anyways. what is this? new is what it is, everything is always new, yet somehow very much the same. I don't want to fall into old habits, newness can make me break away from anything that came before. I burn bridges better than the devil himself sometimes.
but everything can be merged, everything doesn't have to be separate, why do i compartmentalize my life? to control it? well thats been going well for the last 24 years. you can't control it. being careful and being safe are completely different things, yet so intertwined its like dividing a single strand of hair. is this ok, am i allowed this?
I'm allowed to like you. I can handle it. I just need to let go.
Showing posts with label Freedom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Freedom. Show all posts
Monday, July 13, 2015
Monday, January 2, 2012
Out of Order
Life is strange sometimes, and its very hard to watch a part of someone's life become so completely messed were it feels like there's no return. Everyone always says, "oh my life is such a mess right now" but when are our lives not messy? Even when you have order in your life its never perfect. There's always something going on that's different than the normal or out of routine. For me, order is a godsend and a curse. Routines, schedules, and patterns, as boring as they all sound I know are good for me and help me get through life a bit better. Problem is, they are to hard to keep up with. My life tends to have a general outline but never anything strict or rigid. When things become to routine for me something out of the routine will throw me off and sometimes affect me negatively when it really shouldn't. I like structure but I also like freedom and its a hard balance.
Its winter break right now and its especially hard for me in this time of year because I don't really have a routine. no classes or homework. 2 of my 3 jobs were based at my school so the only thing i have is 1 part time job maybe 3 days a week if I'm lucky. I am no doubt finding ways to fill my time, but the not having to wake up at the same time everyday, although thoroughly enjoyable, affects the way my head works sometimes.
But all this freedom and time has let me handle life's newest curve ball with ease; moving to Chicago. There are simply so many things to think about! Who's coming with me in my drive to Chicago and to help me move in and take my car back? If one person goes its less help, and if two people go less room in my truck. My mom won't drive in the city but wants to come anyways? Do I borrow my friends truck cause it has more room? Do I buy my grocery's before I leave because the taxes and prices in general are higher in cook county than in Lake county or Mchenry county? groceries again means less room in my truck. Will my job transfer at the Gap go through on time? Will keeping my job at a company I love still work out with the rigorousness of the program I'm embarking on? Should I stop worrying about when I'll here back from ACM about every email I send and checking it obsessively? What's it going to be like without my truck, aka my baby and the one thing I have to my name? Do I really have enough money to do this and have I planned well enough?
Well technically I'm still in the process of planning but I like to have things decided sometimes so I know what to expect. Other times I enjoy surprises and the unknown, but generally this doesn't apply with school, because I can tell you for sure that I don't enjoy writing surprise essays.
As for break, my life may seem a bit out of order in my mind, possibly a complete mess, but I'm trying to keep it all together and stay focused on the goal of getting to live in this amazing city for a few months. All the little details will get figured out even if at the last minute, for which I am hoping not. I hope I'm not the only one with all of these things running through my head. I am definitely ready for the new routine that Chicago will bring me. Peace.
Its winter break right now and its especially hard for me in this time of year because I don't really have a routine. no classes or homework. 2 of my 3 jobs were based at my school so the only thing i have is 1 part time job maybe 3 days a week if I'm lucky. I am no doubt finding ways to fill my time, but the not having to wake up at the same time everyday, although thoroughly enjoyable, affects the way my head works sometimes.
But all this freedom and time has let me handle life's newest curve ball with ease; moving to Chicago. There are simply so many things to think about! Who's coming with me in my drive to Chicago and to help me move in and take my car back? If one person goes its less help, and if two people go less room in my truck. My mom won't drive in the city but wants to come anyways? Do I borrow my friends truck cause it has more room? Do I buy my grocery's before I leave because the taxes and prices in general are higher in cook county than in Lake county or Mchenry county? groceries again means less room in my truck. Will my job transfer at the Gap go through on time? Will keeping my job at a company I love still work out with the rigorousness of the program I'm embarking on? Should I stop worrying about when I'll here back from ACM about every email I send and checking it obsessively? What's it going to be like without my truck, aka my baby and the one thing I have to my name? Do I really have enough money to do this and have I planned well enough?
Well technically I'm still in the process of planning but I like to have things decided sometimes so I know what to expect. Other times I enjoy surprises and the unknown, but generally this doesn't apply with school, because I can tell you for sure that I don't enjoy writing surprise essays.
As for break, my life may seem a bit out of order in my mind, possibly a complete mess, but I'm trying to keep it all together and stay focused on the goal of getting to live in this amazing city for a few months. All the little details will get figured out even if at the last minute, for which I am hoping not. I hope I'm not the only one with all of these things running through my head. I am definitely ready for the new routine that Chicago will bring me. Peace.
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