Dating, part -1 (negative 1)

Why is dating so complicated? maybe when its complicated its not right? I also truly believe I'm making it complicated. Some people just want simple, and maybe I don't know how to do that. I understand I am very type A personality, I don't like last minute, i don't like not knowing, and its frustrating when its not obvious. It's a challenge that, on my good days, I love it. But on my bad days I can't deal.

I think i am also very scared of simple. The last time I did simple, no definition, go with the flow, it almost destroyed me. And it had a lot to do with that particular person, that person almost destroyed me, and people who knew both of us would agree. I'm to blame for some of it yes, and I was in no place, a bad place, to be doing that kind of thing.

There' one girl in particular I can't figure out for the life of me. She scares me. I need to realize that shes not the "person" from my past. She wants simple. and it scares me.

At this point that one may have fizzled out anyways, I hope not, I'm definitely still interested, I just don't know if she is. I may have screwed it up with mislead intentions...woops.

But then again can't we make our own rules? just to have companionship, and a cuddle buddy, and be there for each other every once in a while when we need someone? In theory, that sounds amazing to me, but what happens when only one person wants more? I don't know if outside of theory, I could actually handle it. one part of my brain says hell yes, and the other says hell no. I want that kind of friendship/relationship back so badly, but is it good for me?

writing has helped, I needed to tell someone and I feel like I have no one to tell. no one to scream at that I am fucking lost. I'm an honest dater, and you get 100% me all the time. However, the "me" you get can change weekly or daily,that comes with the territory, and I don't try to hide it.

I want someone who can deal with ALL OF THAT, and still just be my cuddle buddy, with movies and kisses and hugs and maybe nothing more? we will get to that later. If you deal with me part time, you still have to deal with all of me. Sorry not sorry for keeping it real.

free write

Free write:

So I like you? I don't know you, i don't know anyone, do we know anyone? I don't know what i am thinking half the time. lets face it all of the time. I can't think straight.

life is changing life is flying I am on a roller coaster that keeps going up and I'm still waiting for the fall, waiting for the fear. fear is such a powerful thing it takes over you. even when life runs over it with a semi truck, its still there, no matter how much good, how much great, my world is entirely optimistic, and yet? i am scared shitless. something is wrong. something is always wrong

life is not this good, its not this perfect ever. my life is a hot mess of perfect is that possible? its no, it not, its just no! a big fat no. Theres shit, iImean theres always shit, and its still theres in the corner, being dealt with on occasion. But you cant stay in the corner all the time? you have to explore the room, every inch, sap up everything.I swear I'm thinking faster than I can type mind is racing faster and faster all the time but not in a way I'm familar with. this is not my illness, I don't recognize this, this life is not something i have knowledge of annd some part of me does not want to learn how to navigate it. It wants to stay in bed but that doesn't make time stand still does it? doesnt matter if your standing still or running, time always got us. This time, this thing, or multiple things, are not anything I know how to run with. I run and I'm out of breath, I don't run and the winds knocked out of me anyways. what is this? new is what it is, everything is always new, yet somehow very much the same. I don't want to fall into old habits, newness can make me break away from anything that came before. I burn bridges better than the devil himself sometimes.

but everything can be merged, everything doesn't have to be separate, why do i compartmentalize my life? to control it? well thats been going well for the last 24 years. you can't control it. being careful and being safe are completely different things, yet so intertwined its like dividing a single strand of hair. is this ok, am i allowed this?

I'm allowed to like you. I can handle it. I just need to let go.

I am drowning.

Stress is not helping me I swear. This is a rant and it's a little long, but I'd love if you'd all listen. I've been wanting to make a video blog post for a while, and this is NOT how I wanted my first one to be but it just kind of happened. Two notes. First, I think I mention something about 3 jobs, that is my usual 2-3 jobs plus school. This semester (in Chicago) I am only working one kind of, but its still just as stressful because I also have an internship. People think I have a break this semester, and that's not the case and this shit (in video) still haunts me. Plus its back to working full time overtime in a few weeks when summer starts. no break. Second note, I don't have the best relations with my mom either, so its not just the men in my life for all you stereotyping freaks. Peace!

Ethics

Ok, I am really questioning whether to be more vague and general about this, as to not make anyone mad, or to be a bit more specific.

I seem to deal with the issue of ethics on an almost weekly basis. Think about it, I'm a psych major, I have psych problems so I've been in the system, I am a GLBTQ leader at my school, I am a trained ally at my school, I'm the president of our Active Minds chapter. If you get yourself involved in this world of helping others or being a leader, you become a go to person, and there lies problems.

So what do I do when someone comes to me? Having gone to an alternative high school, you would think I'd be so used to other people having problems or concerns, but back then, if a friend would call in need, I would comfort them as a friend, but my advice mostly consisted of "well when we go to school tomorrow you can talk to your therapist". Well those therapists and that everyday environment are not there anymore. I am really not as good at giving advice and helping deal with stuff as I thought I was.

I also don't know where to draw the line. From every training and book or anything I've ever received, I know what I should do. Obviously if the situation is life threatening, I would do exactly what others did for me, and seek outside help.

However, what about when it's not that bad, those middle of the road concerns, and I've judged the situation as acceptable whether or not I like it. I've realized in these instances, I treat my close friends different than I would treat an acquaintance confiding in me. Is it helping them to say "I know them, nothing will go wrong" and not push the issue like I would with someone I'm not close with?

I think I have to come to realize that I am a friend first, no matter who it is. Unless the situation has been made clear to me in which I am supposed to be playing another role (more like a peer counselor or something) it's not my job to judge the situation from that point of view.

I just have a fear of regretting not taking action at a time when I could of, even though it wouldn't be my fault. Got to remember, no regrets. I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks? Peace.

You need to show your work. Those are the words that I dreaded when I was a kid. Please write down all the steps. I need to see that you know the process. I hated writing down the steps and I hated explaining my process. Why? because I couldn't.

I can't explain what's in my head or how my head works. When I see a math problem I can solve it entirely in my head in a series of steps that make no logical sense to anyone but me and others who think like I do. Seriously, read some research, a lot of bipolar kids think this way. And no offense, I solved it faster than the teacher every time. The "right" or "correct" or in their eyes "only" way they would teach us to do math in school seemed so inefficient and after learning the basic steps in the first 10 minutes I would automatically start connecting the shortcuts to solving the problem. Doing all the steps and showing how you got to each number was so frustrating to me and it takes me ten times longer to process the steps than it does to actually solve the problem. And yes I would get the same right answer as everyone else, I just solved it differently.

Now since giving up math at the physics level in High School, I haven't had to deal with this much except for a short semester stint in a college math class, not really by choice. And I probably would not have stuck it out in High School as long as I did if it weren't for an awesome math teacher who let my brain do as it pleased. Plus I had gotten a lot better at dealing with this as a teenager than I did when I was younger. I could explain parts of things, just enough to keep the teachers satisfied.

So I'm not going to say that's exactly what I had to deal with today, but I think its a good metaphor. For some reason my emotions got a little out of wack and my frustration level became a little to high for my liking before I had the chance to stop it from rearing its ugly head. My argument was dead from the get go, mainly because I was trying to defend a process in which I can't verbally explain. This lead to an awkward situation that I am not happy about.

That's all I really have to say at this point since my brain is still processing it. Advice always welcome. Peace.

Alone in a big city

Ok so here come the waterworks...just kidding, but no seriously this might get a little emotional. This my therapy for the week so if you don't like it shut the fuck up and go away. :)

Mentioning therapy its really hard to be without it sometimes. I can't afford it so I only get counseling from my school (which is free) and right now I'm not at my school, so hence, no counseling. I know that I can call them and check up with things over the phone if I need but I'm ok for now. Counseling is an expense that I will probably have to live without after college, so this is good getting used to it. besides writing and blogging helps.

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to. Even at school I don't have any close close friends, just a few who are good friends (and put up with all my craziness) but most of them are abroad. There is one or two who are still at LFC but that hour train ride seems like a million miles away. You get caught up in this city and my schedule is so hectic (but in a very good enjoyable way). The kids in the program are all super nice and I love all my apartment mates, but I haven't really connected with any of them that well, and a lot of the time I just seem to have different interests.

And with my schedule, when do I have time to meet new people? how about never. I hardly ever talk to anyone in Wisconsin anymore. Besides my ex, I always felt like I was trying to be part of a group that I wasn't welcome in. And the one friend I know who lives in the city (Chicago)? She's a little tied up right now in her own little world (although I still love her to death). seems to me I am on my own in the big place. At times I feel very lonely, even though I know I'm not alone. I mean I'm almost literally never alone due to living with 5 other people!

I'm not depressed, I really am enjoying life, my social life is just one need of a little love. I mean this past weekend, I went to 3 different art events, and I went by myself to 2 of them because no one else wanted to go since they weren't "mandatory field trips". Although I do respect the fact that some of them would rather spend there Saturday night going out to clubs and stuff cause believe me I wish I was 21. But since I'm not I'm taking full advantage of every other opportunity.

I'm naturally a very social person so stuff like this hits me hard. I may be a little sad, but I am keeping a smile on. Peace.

My Emotions and My New Family

Lately, I've been trying to keep many things under control, especially my emotions. I mean simply during the day to get through things, you know? I was starting to feel slightly bottled up, and I know from past experience that keeping emotions inside for me is a not so good idea. It's just been such a whirlwind lately, that I feel like my head is spinning sometimes! And to make matters slightly worse, I made my head literally spin last night with I little but to much fun if you know what I mean. It was a good time with some new friends, but a bad way of dealing with problems.

However what has been helpful (besides blogging), is actually talking to people. who knew? I've been feeling very alone and out of place lately, and finally getting to chat with my friend Sarah (who also lives in Chicago but we only chatted online) felt so good. I mainly lashed out a bit about my now ex girlfriend and the breakup, but it was exactly what I needed. I mean it's been less than two weeks since we broke up officially but it feels like a lifetime ago. However, one person is great, but getting a second perspective is even better. So, thank my lucky stars that somehow I got talking to one of my new classmates in Chicago, and had a sad but amazing conversation about break-ups and really how hard things can be. Somewhere in there I think I got some tips on how to deal, especially with all this other change is my life.

It's official, my heart is broken, and only time and maybe my new Chicago family, will mend it.

Mentioning family, the group of Logan square kids, as we now kind of call ourselves, is planning our first Logan square family dinner tonight, at our apartment. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, veggies, garlic bread, banana bread, and my chocolate chip cookies, all with my new family sounds like a good old time.

Peace.

ps: I know I've been talking a bit about this break-up and other semi related things, but I speak whats on my mind. However, even though this blog is for my thoughts, feelings, and life things, if there is something you would like to see on here, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I would love to share my opinions on anything my readers like. You can also contact me at the numerous links on the side of my blog page, including anonymous messages at Formspring (but put in the title somewhere "blog")

6 people, one shower,

Well at least the whole one shower thing was a success this morning. we will continues to figure out a good schedule, I'm sure.

hysterically a coincidence, my new roommate is the other Emily Summers! but she is super sweet and I'm so glad she is. :)

We all stayed up a bit to late but all slept very well. Today is officially our first day of actual orientation and I think I speak for all of us when I say we are all really excited. There is some sort of city scavenger hunt today though, which I don't think us running around outside in the cold is that great. Hopefully though the weather does not seem to bad.

I am so busy I don't even have time to thin about the tragedies of late until I rest my head on my pillow at night. Sometimes I just feel like crying then, but I usually just try to get distracted in a book and forget about the world. Any suggestions on dealing with any of this? Peace.

ps: sending prayer for my papa (grandpa) today who is having knee surgery. <3

Laundry

So if you don't now or even if you do, there's an expression that comes to my mind today referred to as "cleaning house". Its kind of like cleaning up a messy situation or cleaning up your life. And over the last few weeks, my life has become quite the mess.

As I dumped my basket of clean laundry onto my bed for folding this afternoon, I looked around my room, and realized I could barely see the floor. How could it have gotten so messy in just the few short weeks that I've been staying here. That made me think about how not only was my room a mess, but it was completely representative of my life. In the past few weeks I have dealt with things that I thought I left back in high school, like family drama that involved the police, a fight with an old friend that just might mean the end for us as friends, and most recently this week, my girlfriend and I broke up.

That last one has kind of put me over the edge a bit, however I keep thinking ahead to everything that's in front of me. Through all of this instability, I have taken much salvation in volunteering at a local elementary school. I was with the kindergarteners and first-graders and at that age they have a love for learning and new experiences that could inspire anyone. I could of found numerous other ways to use up my excess winter break time or found other escapes from my life of stress, but I was so glad I chose to do what I did. I wish I could continue with it because I only got to volunteer for about 2 days a week for less than 3 weeks and it went by way to fast!

As per usual time seemed to fly by and my winter break which seemed so dauntingly long at first is all but gone. I am now left with one weekend and a menagerie of tasks to finish up before I move, both physical and emotional, in all parts of my life. Chicago will be an amazing change for me and I will make sure that I am in the best place to take on the city by storm!

I just need to keep breathing and I will make it through. Always. I mean, literally you have to keep breathing to keep yourself alive, but figuratively as well. The stress and pressure just builds and builds and when finally a little bit is released you feel so relieved. And oh how I need to continually remind myself that it will be ok. And how other remind me of that in unexpected ways. Like when my professor hands back that paper I wrote at the very last minute that was 1 page short on length and I should of spent way more time on and still managed to get a B. Or even when my friend gets into the program she applies for and I am so happy for her. Through the stress of frustrating people who don't answer your emails and send you the wrong documents, those other things remind me that things do work out. Space. Air. Breathing. Lots of deep breathing. And then time goes by in a flash. This semester is almost over and a completely new adventure will be beginning next spring.

Mentioning spring, the over enthusiasm and excitement that abounds me is intense. Sometimes I look forward to change a little bit too much. My unconsciously high expectations consistently lead to disappointment. Again breathing. Calming myself down. Making sure that I know that I might not get that internship I want. In fact is highly likely that I won't even with encouragement from people who think I would be a great candidate for it. stay positive. But not too positive. Literally and figuratively, balance is something I lack sometimes. Ok more like all the time. not to much good or bad, pos or neg, high or low. My moods, my health, my fam, my life? It can be an unbalanced mess but somehow its all work out eventually, one way or another. Well maybe not my moods. I think I've come to realize that I can't control my moods but rather work with them. And that goes for most things in my life. Letting go of the control. Breathing. The balance comes more naturally if you work with things instead of against them, but that is entirely easier said than done, since our human brains naturally want to work against many things. but not breathing. You have to work to fight against breathing. Don't do that. just breathe. Peace.