9 months later....

haha, that would have been even funnier on April 1st. so no i'm not pregnant and don't plan to be anytime soon! but in the future, lots of kids! :). In fact ive been single the past 9 months.

Sooooo lately I've been craving the writing, yearning for it, but my motivation somehow wouldn't allow me the time. in our world, when you work on a computer all day, the last thing you want to do when you get home is start up your computer......

last few months have been uneventful. I got a real job, although Im still a contract worker (temp to hire), I am treated with respect, and people are normal, were I make at least close to a living. moneys being saved, debt payed down. I moved back home, and I'm going to move again this summer.

But lately i just need to talk, scream, shout, cry and talk some more! i needed to write. even when in this im technically talking to no one. and everyone. all at the same time. online world

I don't where this journey that is life is going to take me, I am just rolling with it. or at least trying to. it been a hard winter. I still feel as though there is a lot on my plate, even though the abuse of my old job was behind me. I still feel like im going to fail everyday. I see other temp workers get fired, albeit for legitimate reasons, and even though my boos and my agency continually tell me im meeting my goals and doing everything right, I am so scared of not being ok again. not sure how i'm paying my bills. I am scared of finances, even though in 9 months I managed to pay off all credit cards accept one. I'm turning 24 and im still very scared of the real world. I always have a place to stay with family, but my family is not a financial safety net, they haven't been in a long time. its not there faults, although in my opinion some things about both my parents (they are dovorced) situations could be changed, yet they choose not to and as there daughter I have to respect that. I get mixed messages, my mom can't stand me one minute, and the next is begging me to stay, I am moving out soonish for both our sanity, and because ive created my own safety net. I have savings, and although small its more than most people my age can say for themselves, and it could get me by for 3 months if i lost my job. I SHOULD FEEL SAFE, yet I dont. I know so many other people my age (and beyond) feel these same things. it not just money, it health insurance, its work its making other people happy. I NEED TO KEEP MAKING ME HAPPY. its something I continually struggle with. I know it. I think it. I live it sometimes, but not enough of the time.

I am attempting to make healthy steps. in the fall i was in survival mode. The winter it was the where do i go from here mode. and maybe a slight bout of depression. Spring has brought me insight to do the things that are right for me. I have given up my non profit work, for now, until something else catches my heart. Im thinking next will be rescue cats.....just a thought. I considered getting a second very very part time job, and was even offered one by a friend, but remembered to say no to something i could not give 100% to. I have changed my relationships, making adult decisions not to keep people around that keep me in the past, and bring me down. I realized that i am a classic american, addicted to stuff. ive slowly made changes to declutter the stuff that doesn't make me happy.

I may have said a lot of this stuff before, and many of my posts are downers. life happens, we have to accept it and move on. i keep attempting to live every day with no regrets,

there is more to come soon my dears, lots more i want, need, to say.

peace.

Laundry

So if you don't now or even if you do, there's an expression that comes to my mind today referred to as "cleaning house". Its kind of like cleaning up a messy situation or cleaning up your life. And over the last few weeks, my life has become quite the mess.

As I dumped my basket of clean laundry onto my bed for folding this afternoon, I looked around my room, and realized I could barely see the floor. How could it have gotten so messy in just the few short weeks that I've been staying here. That made me think about how not only was my room a mess, but it was completely representative of my life. In the past few weeks I have dealt with things that I thought I left back in high school, like family drama that involved the police, a fight with an old friend that just might mean the end for us as friends, and most recently this week, my girlfriend and I broke up.

That last one has kind of put me over the edge a bit, however I keep thinking ahead to everything that's in front of me. Through all of this instability, I have taken much salvation in volunteering at a local elementary school. I was with the kindergarteners and first-graders and at that age they have a love for learning and new experiences that could inspire anyone. I could of found numerous other ways to use up my excess winter break time or found other escapes from my life of stress, but I was so glad I chose to do what I did. I wish I could continue with it because I only got to volunteer for about 2 days a week for less than 3 weeks and it went by way to fast!

As per usual time seemed to fly by and my winter break which seemed so dauntingly long at first is all but gone. I am now left with one weekend and a menagerie of tasks to finish up before I move, both physical and emotional, in all parts of my life. Chicago will be an amazing change for me and I will make sure that I am in the best place to take on the city by storm!

By the way, I dyed my hair and got a well needed haircut. My old picture was blonde and I've been light brown for a while, but just dyed it really brunette a few days ago. I also hadn't cut it since probably September so it was really scruffy. I'm also in the process of growing it out just a bit, but the cut I had was a-symmetrical so she cut a bit off to even it out. Its cute and short and I will continue to let it grow, but I new it needed to be healthy to do that. :)Peace.

Oh look what time it is?

Yes, its 1am yet again. but heck isn't this always when I write my best work? I think I need to stop denying the fact that my relationship with sleep is one of love and hate.

Anyways today was the last day of classes and I literally was so excited at being one step closer to being done with this semester that it took till now for it hit me: This is my last class here until next school year! 9 months away! crazy. Now I just need to get through 3 final exams and then I'm done.

Its going to be quite odd not being here at LFC. Since I did research last summer I've technically been here for 16 months! I think I might miss my residence hall Cleveland Young, the most. Its my home figuratively and literally since it almost looks like an actual house.

Its somehow slightly more comforting knowing that a lot of my friends are going places for the spring semester as well. I feel like we will want to talk to each other about our experiences.

I guess I don't have that much to say tonight I just felt like blogging something.

Someone motivate me to study! Please?

Peace.

Hello Next Chapter of This Thing We Call Life!

So, for those of you who actually take the time to read my tiny little blog, much thanks, and be aware that the audience for my blog just got a little more global. Ok maybe not literally global, but I'd like to give you all a brief update on some things.

I am now officially was they call and "ACM Global Ambassador". I like the fancy title just as much as you do. Ok enough with the humor it's actually really important and I am so thrilled to be representing ACM Chicago over the next five 6 months or so.

So what does this all mean? well as you may or may not have known I won't be at my little bubble of a school that we call LFC next semester, because starting in T minus 60 days or so, I will be moving into an apartment in the AMAZING city of Chicago and studying all the wonderful things about the arts there for a few months! I get to have and internship and do this independent project and participate in all this schnazzy stuff thanks to ACM (by the way that stands for associated colleges of the Midwest, and being a part of that system is one of the many thing I love about where I go to school)

OK OK I seriously need to get to the point. So how does this Ambassador thing relate to my blog audience? Well essentially the main part of my job is to write a blog about my experiences during the program. I figured heck since I already have a blog, and was planning on telling all of you (meaning the lonely 5 of you that currently read this blog) about my experiences, why not tell more people and get recognized for doing it?

I'll let you all into my brain a little bit more later regarding how I am preparing for this giant City that stand in front of me. As for now, just know that I am very very excited. Peace.

Time fly's when you realize you don't like your crazy life

So I apologize for not having updated in quite a while, as I did promise not to get to busy during the school year. I already see it happening but I'm not going to let it catch me. I am generally unhappy tonight which is a major reason why I am writing. I need to write so that my feeling don't get all bottled up. But I have realized that I don't really like the life I am living at the moment. I am slowly losing the passion for school, but keep looking towards the end goal which is my diploma. I am mostly unhappy with a lot of the people and drama around me. My college is so small its no different from high school, maybe even worse. And I feel like people never actually leave here, because even once that bitch in the front row graduates she still finds ways back into your life. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of losing friends because of the awful environment that surrounds me here, outside of class that is. Let me say this, that I do love my school and the education I'm receiving here, and some of the professors are pretty amazing. But other than that I've just realized that this is not really the right place for me anymore. My heart and happiness lie in living somewhere else that is other than here. I might not be sure exactly where yet, but I know I'll need to get away from this place and leave a lot of people behind. Not now of course, because I intend to finish my last 2 years and graduate, but still to get away from it all as much as I can until then. I know there are good people in this world I just have to find my place. Peace