....However I am being surprisingly productive. Since my only option is to be in bed doing nothing, I've gotten quite a bit done on my computer. stupid fucking boring life shit. Usually my weekends are a break form the computer and technology. But my laptop and netflix have been my stupid colds best friend. typing also helps since my voice was obliterated at work on friday.
So i have a sever cold, and its a doosy.You can ask anyone, i never admit I'm sick, ever. I rarely get sick for that matter. though it was april, im golden, i made it through midwestern winter without even the smallest cold or virus then.....bam. last thursday I started coughing on the way home from work (around 6pm). by the time i went to bed my throat hurt, my head hurt, i couldn't breathe when i laid down and i was coughing up a storm. It was late, and i looked in the bathroom and the kitchen and everywhere my mom keeps medicine, and nada! no cold medicine! Seriously? every kind of tums, allergy releif, and leftover antibiotics gallore, but i could not find the cold medicine. I had an epipheny and knew exactly where it was, in HER bathroom. But i wasn't going to wake her.
She really is a safe mom in that way, my little bro-albeit he would never do something like take meds-is only 14.
I settled for my own antihistemine that would temporarily make me breathe so i could sleep (sort of) and went and bought cold medicine before work on friday and sludged through the day. And now my entire weekend has been trying to rest and get better. I hate it. I hate being sick. I hate not having the choice but to be here. its partly because its nice out (spring!) and the sunshine is calling me, and partly because being forced to lay here and deal with shit in my life is anxiety provoking. but we all got to do it.
So besides my remedy of cold medicine, rest, tea, and fluids. any other cures for bad colds/chest congestion? even for next time would love to here.
peace
Sam
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I am drowning.
Stress is not helping me I swear. This is a rant and it's a little long, but I'd love if you'd all listen. I've been wanting to make a video blog post for a while, and this is NOT how I wanted my first one to be but it just kind of happened. Two notes. First, I think I mention something about 3 jobs, that is my usual 2-3 jobs plus school. This semester (in Chicago) I am only working one kind of, but its still just as stressful because I also have an internship. People think I have a break this semester, and that's not the case and this shit (in video) still haunts me. Plus its back to working full time overtime in a few weeks when summer starts. no break. Second note, I don't have the best relations with my mom either, so its not just the men in my life for all you stereotyping freaks. Peace!
Monday, March 5, 2012
If I meet one more alumni I swear I'll...
...Love my school more than ever! No seriously, maybe it's because I live in the midwest, maybe it's because a lot of Alumni end up in Chicago, but I swear Everytime I talk to anyone and tell them what school I go to, they know someone who went there. If it wasn't themselves that went their, it's always their sister's ex boyfriend, their Aunt, their best friend's cousin, I could go on.
So today I have a short story that may not have all that much to do with Chicago, except if it weren't for the ACM program, I would not have met this person. Additionally, my spirits turned themselves around a bit yesterday, and I've had good motivation both yesterday and today, which is giving me the energy to write this. I'm glad, because I was very sullen last week.
Apologies, to the point. So today, I met Heather. She is one of the program associate's for ACM, and manages a bunch of the study abroad programs. I was at the ACM office today (The one on Wacker Dr, not the Chicago program office) and I thought it was cool when I found out she was an Alum, but I think she was more intrigued than I was, as she came up to me and started asking about my majors! It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who knows Lake Forest, the campus, certain inside references, ect. And I think she liked hearing about things that were currently going on. I mean, unless Alumni are visiting my campus for the purpose of talking to students, I never really know what to say to an alum in an offbeat setting, because sometimes they are just not interested. I was super glad she initiated the conversation, and I think I ended up taking up half her lunch break with all my babbling! Let's just say we talked for a while. She gave me some good advice, made me feel connected, and gave me hope for still being connected to my school, even after I graduate.
It's the little encounters like these, where I had planned to be home by a little after 12 but didn't end up leaving the ACM office til 12:45, that just make my days worth while. It boosted my mood, and again it was another opportunity taken in the spur of the moment and so worth it. Maybe I will start connecting with more Alumni. Peace.
So today I have a short story that may not have all that much to do with Chicago, except if it weren't for the ACM program, I would not have met this person. Additionally, my spirits turned themselves around a bit yesterday, and I've had good motivation both yesterday and today, which is giving me the energy to write this. I'm glad, because I was very sullen last week.
Apologies, to the point. So today, I met Heather. She is one of the program associate's for ACM, and manages a bunch of the study abroad programs. I was at the ACM office today (The one on Wacker Dr, not the Chicago program office) and I thought it was cool when I found out she was an Alum, but I think she was more intrigued than I was, as she came up to me and started asking about my majors! It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who knows Lake Forest, the campus, certain inside references, ect. And I think she liked hearing about things that were currently going on. I mean, unless Alumni are visiting my campus for the purpose of talking to students, I never really know what to say to an alum in an offbeat setting, because sometimes they are just not interested. I was super glad she initiated the conversation, and I think I ended up taking up half her lunch break with all my babbling! Let's just say we talked for a while. She gave me some good advice, made me feel connected, and gave me hope for still being connected to my school, even after I graduate.
It's the little encounters like these, where I had planned to be home by a little after 12 but didn't end up leaving the ACM office til 12:45, that just make my days worth while. It boosted my mood, and again it was another opportunity taken in the spur of the moment and so worth it. Maybe I will start connecting with more Alumni. Peace.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
My Emotions and My New Family
Lately, I've been trying to keep many things under control, especially my emotions. I mean simply during the day to get through things, you know? I was starting to feel slightly bottled up, and I know from past experience that keeping emotions inside for me is a not so good idea. It's just been such a whirlwind lately, that I feel like my head is spinning sometimes! And to make matters slightly worse, I made my head literally spin last night with I little but to much fun if you know what I mean. It was a good time with some new friends, but a bad way of dealing with problems.
However what has been helpful (besides blogging), is actually talking to people. who knew? I've been feeling very alone and out of place lately, and finally getting to chat with my friend Sarah (who also lives in Chicago but we only chatted online) felt so good. I mainly lashed out a bit about my now ex girlfriend and the breakup, but it was exactly what I needed. I mean it's been less than two weeks since we broke up officially but it feels like a lifetime ago. However, one person is great, but getting a second perspective is even better. So, thank my lucky stars that somehow I got talking to one of my new classmates in Chicago, and had a sad but amazing conversation about break-ups and really how hard things can be. Somewhere in there I think I got some tips on how to deal, especially with all this other change is my life.
It's official, my heart is broken, and only time and maybe my new Chicago family, will mend it.
Mentioning family, the group of Logan square kids, as we now kind of call ourselves, is planning our first Logan square family dinner tonight, at our apartment. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, veggies, garlic bread, banana bread, and my chocolate chip cookies, all with my new family sounds like a good old time.
Peace.
ps: I know I've been talking a bit about this break-up and other semi related things, but I speak whats on my mind. However, even though this blog is for my thoughts, feelings, and life things, if there is something you would like to see on here, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I would love to share my opinions on anything my readers like. You can also contact me at the numerous links on the side of my blog page, including anonymous messages at Formspring (but put in the title somewhere "blog")
However what has been helpful (besides blogging), is actually talking to people. who knew? I've been feeling very alone and out of place lately, and finally getting to chat with my friend Sarah (who also lives in Chicago but we only chatted online) felt so good. I mainly lashed out a bit about my now ex girlfriend and the breakup, but it was exactly what I needed. I mean it's been less than two weeks since we broke up officially but it feels like a lifetime ago. However, one person is great, but getting a second perspective is even better. So, thank my lucky stars that somehow I got talking to one of my new classmates in Chicago, and had a sad but amazing conversation about break-ups and really how hard things can be. Somewhere in there I think I got some tips on how to deal, especially with all this other change is my life.
It's official, my heart is broken, and only time and maybe my new Chicago family, will mend it.
Mentioning family, the group of Logan square kids, as we now kind of call ourselves, is planning our first Logan square family dinner tonight, at our apartment. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, veggies, garlic bread, banana bread, and my chocolate chip cookies, all with my new family sounds like a good old time.
Peace.
ps: I know I've been talking a bit about this break-up and other semi related things, but I speak whats on my mind. However, even though this blog is for my thoughts, feelings, and life things, if there is something you would like to see on here, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I would love to share my opinions on anything my readers like. You can also contact me at the numerous links on the side of my blog page, including anonymous messages at Formspring (but put in the title somewhere "blog")
Friday, January 27, 2012
Laundry
So if you don't now or even if you do, there's an expression that comes to my mind today referred to as "cleaning house". Its kind of like cleaning up a messy situation or cleaning up your life. And over the last few weeks, my life has become quite the mess.
As I dumped my basket of clean laundry onto my bed for folding this afternoon, I looked around my room, and realized I could barely see the floor. How could it have gotten so messy in just the few short weeks that I've been staying here. That made me think about how not only was my room a mess, but it was completely representative of my life. In the past few weeks I have dealt with things that I thought I left back in high school, like family drama that involved the police, a fight with an old friend that just might mean the end for us as friends, and most recently this week, my girlfriend and I broke up.
That last one has kind of put me over the edge a bit, however I keep thinking ahead to everything that's in front of me. Through all of this instability, I have taken much salvation in volunteering at a local elementary school. I was with the kindergarteners and first-graders and at that age they have a love for learning and new experiences that could inspire anyone. I could of found numerous other ways to use up my excess winter break time or found other escapes from my life of stress, but I was so glad I chose to do what I did. I wish I could continue with it because I only got to volunteer for about 2 days a week for less than 3 weeks and it went by way to fast!
As per usual time seemed to fly by and my winter break which seemed so dauntingly long at first is all but gone. I am now left with one weekend and a menagerie of tasks to finish up before I move, both physical and emotional, in all parts of my life. Chicago will be an amazing change for me and I will make sure that I am in the best place to take on the city by storm!
As I dumped my basket of clean laundry onto my bed for folding this afternoon, I looked around my room, and realized I could barely see the floor. How could it have gotten so messy in just the few short weeks that I've been staying here. That made me think about how not only was my room a mess, but it was completely representative of my life. In the past few weeks I have dealt with things that I thought I left back in high school, like family drama that involved the police, a fight with an old friend that just might mean the end for us as friends, and most recently this week, my girlfriend and I broke up.
That last one has kind of put me over the edge a bit, however I keep thinking ahead to everything that's in front of me. Through all of this instability, I have taken much salvation in volunteering at a local elementary school. I was with the kindergarteners and first-graders and at that age they have a love for learning and new experiences that could inspire anyone. I could of found numerous other ways to use up my excess winter break time or found other escapes from my life of stress, but I was so glad I chose to do what I did. I wish I could continue with it because I only got to volunteer for about 2 days a week for less than 3 weeks and it went by way to fast!
As per usual time seemed to fly by and my winter break which seemed so dauntingly long at first is all but gone. I am now left with one weekend and a menagerie of tasks to finish up before I move, both physical and emotional, in all parts of my life. Chicago will be an amazing change for me and I will make sure that I am in the best place to take on the city by storm!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I just need to keep breathing and I will make it through. Always. I mean, literally you have to keep breathing to keep yourself alive, but figuratively as well. The stress and pressure just builds and builds and when finally a little bit is released you feel so relieved. And oh how I need to continually remind myself that it will be ok. And how other remind me of that in unexpected ways. Like when my professor hands back that paper I wrote at the very last minute that was 1 page short on length and I should of spent way more time on and still managed to get a B. Or even when my friend gets into the program she applies for and I am so happy for her. Through the stress of frustrating people who don't answer your emails and send you the wrong documents, those other things remind me that things do work out. Space. Air. Breathing. Lots of deep breathing. And then time goes by in a flash. This semester is almost over and a completely new adventure will be beginning next spring.
Mentioning spring, the over enthusiasm and excitement that abounds me is intense. Sometimes I look forward to change a little bit too much. My unconsciously high expectations consistently lead to disappointment. Again breathing. Calming myself down. Making sure that I know that I might not get that internship I want. In fact is highly likely that I won't even with encouragement from people who think I would be a great candidate for it. stay positive. But not too positive. Literally and figuratively, balance is something I lack sometimes. Ok more like all the time. not to much good or bad, pos or neg, high or low. My moods, my health, my fam, my life? It can be an unbalanced mess but somehow its all work out eventually, one way or another. Well maybe not my moods. I think I've come to realize that I can't control my moods but rather work with them. And that goes for most things in my life. Letting go of the control. Breathing. The balance comes more naturally if you work with things instead of against them, but that is entirely easier said than done, since our human brains naturally want to work against many things. but not breathing. You have to work to fight against breathing. Don't do that. just breathe. Peace.
Mentioning spring, the over enthusiasm and excitement that abounds me is intense. Sometimes I look forward to change a little bit too much. My unconsciously high expectations consistently lead to disappointment. Again breathing. Calming myself down. Making sure that I know that I might not get that internship I want. In fact is highly likely that I won't even with encouragement from people who think I would be a great candidate for it. stay positive. But not too positive. Literally and figuratively, balance is something I lack sometimes. Ok more like all the time. not to much good or bad, pos or neg, high or low. My moods, my health, my fam, my life? It can be an unbalanced mess but somehow its all work out eventually, one way or another. Well maybe not my moods. I think I've come to realize that I can't control my moods but rather work with them. And that goes for most things in my life. Letting go of the control. Breathing. The balance comes more naturally if you work with things instead of against them, but that is entirely easier said than done, since our human brains naturally want to work against many things. but not breathing. You have to work to fight against breathing. Don't do that. just breathe. Peace.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
3am and she doesn't call me?
Well obviously I don't expect her or anyone to call me at this hour. Well not anymore at least, but Anna Nalick has good music for this time of night. In high school however I used to be that girl who answered the phone at any time of night to the friend whose crisis made them think it was the end of the world as we knew it. In a sense I still am that person. I still sleep with my phone right next to me or under my pillow on vibrate, and my current friends know that I am always there for them. I think maybe my college friends have less crisis's than my high school ones.
Ok so this post may turn into a jumble of sorts, because it is literally about 330am and I for some reason cannot sleep. My body nor my mind does not want to rest tonight. I do wish I could fall asleep, but I though heck, what better time to write a new blog entry? better than the possibly drunken emails I may or may not have sent 2 weeks ago...
...so when I said "her" earlier i was indeed referring to a particular person. I think I may have talked about her before, maybe a bit to much :) However i can now say that this someone is now an official part of my life (for now) as she is now my girlfriend. She makes me so happy and I hope that I do the same for her. But relating back to phone calling point, I literally know that she would probably never call me at this hour, as she is never awake this late due to her intense need for sleep. Seriously this girl might be busier than I am with her school and work. But if she ever found the need to call, I would answer.
The word happy gave me this strong urge to talk about my mood lately, as this is a place where I like to express my feelings. It honestly just makes me feel so much better to talk about whats going on in my head, and when I can't talk to someone, the best alternative is to write about it. Anyways back on track, my mood has been pretty decent lately. I don't want to jinx it but I think I might finally be getting out of my depressive episode that's been latched to me since last winter. The last month or two have been pleasant, and even though I still often get stressed, and have had a few bouts of utter confusion, I am at least a tiny bit happier with my life than I was before. The only part that still dragging me down is my family situation, but that story is for another post another time. What is now worrying me however is that winter is approaching again, and even when my demeanor is at its best its drops a notch during these dreary months, and with it not currently being at its prime, its susceptible to dropping many notches.
I think I will try as always to just take it one day at a time. For reasons I can't really say, my girlfriend unknowingly reminds me sometimes to live in the moment and at this moment I think I am finally getting sleepy. All I can hope for and ask for is that things stay positive. A final note, I may not want to over think the future, but can I dwell on the recent past, like maybe the 3 soda's i drank at 10pm have something to do with me being awake? Goodnight and hope I made sense. Peace.
Ok so this post may turn into a jumble of sorts, because it is literally about 330am and I for some reason cannot sleep. My body nor my mind does not want to rest tonight. I do wish I could fall asleep, but I though heck, what better time to write a new blog entry? better than the possibly drunken emails I may or may not have sent 2 weeks ago...
...so when I said "her" earlier i was indeed referring to a particular person. I think I may have talked about her before, maybe a bit to much :) However i can now say that this someone is now an official part of my life (for now) as she is now my girlfriend. She makes me so happy and I hope that I do the same for her. But relating back to phone calling point, I literally know that she would probably never call me at this hour, as she is never awake this late due to her intense need for sleep. Seriously this girl might be busier than I am with her school and work. But if she ever found the need to call, I would answer.
The word happy gave me this strong urge to talk about my mood lately, as this is a place where I like to express my feelings. It honestly just makes me feel so much better to talk about whats going on in my head, and when I can't talk to someone, the best alternative is to write about it. Anyways back on track, my mood has been pretty decent lately. I don't want to jinx it but I think I might finally be getting out of my depressive episode that's been latched to me since last winter. The last month or two have been pleasant, and even though I still often get stressed, and have had a few bouts of utter confusion, I am at least a tiny bit happier with my life than I was before. The only part that still dragging me down is my family situation, but that story is for another post another time. What is now worrying me however is that winter is approaching again, and even when my demeanor is at its best its drops a notch during these dreary months, and with it not currently being at its prime, its susceptible to dropping many notches.
I think I will try as always to just take it one day at a time. For reasons I can't really say, my girlfriend unknowingly reminds me sometimes to live in the moment and at this moment I think I am finally getting sleepy. All I can hope for and ask for is that things stay positive. A final note, I may not want to over think the future, but can I dwell on the recent past, like maybe the 3 soda's i drank at 10pm have something to do with me being awake? Goodnight and hope I made sense. Peace.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Time fly's when you realize you don't like your crazy life
So I apologize for not having updated in quite a while, as I did promise not to get to busy during the school year. I already see it happening but I'm not going to let it catch me. I am generally unhappy tonight which is a major reason why I am writing. I need to write so that my feeling don't get all bottled up. But I have realized that I don't really like the life I am living at the moment. I am slowly losing the passion for school, but keep looking towards the end goal which is my diploma. I am mostly unhappy with a lot of the people and drama around me. My college is so small its no different from high school, maybe even worse. And I feel like people never actually leave here, because even once that bitch in the front row graduates she still finds ways back into your life. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of losing friends because of the awful environment that surrounds me here, outside of class that is. Let me say this, that I do love my school and the education I'm receiving here, and some of the professors are pretty amazing. But other than that I've just realized that this is not really the right place for me anymore. My heart and happiness lie in living somewhere else that is other than here. I might not be sure exactly where yet, but I know I'll need to get away from this place and leave a lot of people behind. Not now of course, because I intend to finish my last 2 years and graduate, but still to get away from it all as much as I can until then. I know there are good people in this world I just have to find my place. Peace
Saturday, August 6, 2011
A person and falling hard.
I could simply use this post to express my feelings right now, but again there is not much point in that, unless I say whats causing all of these feelings. The cause as you may have guessed, is a person, but not just any person. You see, there is this girl, and by posting this I do know that there is a risk of her reading this, but in a way I hope she does. I am falling for this girl. I am falling HARD for this girl. I don't know what it is but I think it's a sign when I can't stop thinking about her...
Ok put on the brakes for a sec. so clearly I've just outed myself. so queer haters buzz off, and queer lovers, I heart you. :)
So I've been dating this girl for almost 2 months but because of us both being generally broke and that we live over 3 hours apart :( we only just went on our "official" first date 2 days ago (official according to my other friends rules of what qualifies a date, that we all live by lol). Mind you we had seen each-other before then, but generally just hung out and did casual things in groups and such and also generally taking things really slow, for both our sakes.
So I am feeling kind of scared, ok like majorly scared. I have no clue what I am doing. But I can't shake this feeling. But I know it scares her too. It scares her that I might feel more strongly about her than I'm letting on. I don't think I'm any good at hiding it. But problem is, I don't even know how I feel. I care for her a lot and I like her a lot but that all I know really and there are times when I can't get her out of my mind. When I go and visit her its always to short and I wanna turn around from the second I leave. I think my mind is going a little bit to fast but thankfully it still controls itself. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. It isn't love, yet. I know that for sure its to soon and not that strong. Its just a strong attraction to being around this person.
What sparked this post today was the fact that I went up on Thursday to see her and I left today (Saturday, two days, so short :P) because I work retail and had to work the Saturday closing shift, and what makes me very mad is that they cut hours and let me go home early. Any other day totally fine. When I drove back 3 hours because I had to work and could have spent an extra day with this girl instead? Did not make me super thrilled. But then I just think about how happy this amazing girl makes me, I just had to let it go and I know I can't change it now. She is one of the few things in my life that is positive and happy at the moment. The last thing I know tonight is that I miss her. Peace.
Ok put on the brakes for a sec. so clearly I've just outed myself. so queer haters buzz off, and queer lovers, I heart you. :)
So I've been dating this girl for almost 2 months but because of us both being generally broke and that we live over 3 hours apart :( we only just went on our "official" first date 2 days ago (official according to my other friends rules of what qualifies a date, that we all live by lol). Mind you we had seen each-other before then, but generally just hung out and did casual things in groups and such and also generally taking things really slow, for both our sakes.
So I am feeling kind of scared, ok like majorly scared. I have no clue what I am doing. But I can't shake this feeling. But I know it scares her too. It scares her that I might feel more strongly about her than I'm letting on. I don't think I'm any good at hiding it. But problem is, I don't even know how I feel. I care for her a lot and I like her a lot but that all I know really and there are times when I can't get her out of my mind. When I go and visit her its always to short and I wanna turn around from the second I leave. I think my mind is going a little bit to fast but thankfully it still controls itself. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. It isn't love, yet. I know that for sure its to soon and not that strong. Its just a strong attraction to being around this person.
What sparked this post today was the fact that I went up on Thursday to see her and I left today (Saturday, two days, so short :P) because I work retail and had to work the Saturday closing shift, and what makes me very mad is that they cut hours and let me go home early. Any other day totally fine. When I drove back 3 hours because I had to work and could have spent an extra day with this girl instead? Did not make me super thrilled. But then I just think about how happy this amazing girl makes me, I just had to let it go and I know I can't change it now. She is one of the few things in my life that is positive and happy at the moment. The last thing I know tonight is that I miss her. Peace.
Friday, July 29, 2011
First reflections
Today I am feeling good. It is my first day off of work and off my two week vacation before I go back to school. This has given me a lot of time to think. Already. I think about everything, but lately my minds been on the past. mind you I'm not dwelling only trying to learn from it. My parents think I have a problem with that and that I don't learn from my mistakes. However I don't think that's true, I just learn a little differently, and what they might see as a mistake, I see as something positive, or at least I try to. positive thinking. I could write for a whole day about that.
So back to my reflections. Lately I have not been feeling so good. and surprisingly that is very hard for me to admit. This morning in particular I was contemplating the last week or so. I don't want to get to serious too soon but I had one really bad day that kind of threw me off. And this is not just any normal bad day, but i thought about it, and clearly according to the resat of my week I didn't let it get to me as much as I thought. I went to the movies with my friends, I laughed with my boss, and I went out to lunch with people. I guess just needed to see if my thought process made sense. I like to talk things or write them out to organize my mind a bit. And now that I feel ok about my reflections, I'm going to go make the best of today, my first day off. peace.
So back to my reflections. Lately I have not been feeling so good. and surprisingly that is very hard for me to admit. This morning in particular I was contemplating the last week or so. I don't want to get to serious too soon but I had one really bad day that kind of threw me off. And this is not just any normal bad day, but i thought about it, and clearly according to the resat of my week I didn't let it get to me as much as I thought. I went to the movies with my friends, I laughed with my boss, and I went out to lunch with people. I guess just needed to see if my thought process made sense. I like to talk things or write them out to organize my mind a bit. And now that I feel ok about my reflections, I'm going to go make the best of today, my first day off. peace.
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