I am drowning.

Stress is not helping me I swear. This is a rant and it's a little long, but I'd love if you'd all listen. I've been wanting to make a video blog post for a while, and this is NOT how I wanted my first one to be but it just kind of happened. Two notes. First, I think I mention something about 3 jobs, that is my usual 2-3 jobs plus school. This semester (in Chicago) I am only working one kind of, but its still just as stressful because I also have an internship. People think I have a break this semester, and that's not the case and this shit (in video) still haunts me. Plus its back to working full time overtime in a few weeks when summer starts. no break. Second note, I don't have the best relations with my mom either, so its not just the men in my life for all you stereotyping freaks. Peace!

Laundry

So if you don't now or even if you do, there's an expression that comes to my mind today referred to as "cleaning house". Its kind of like cleaning up a messy situation or cleaning up your life. And over the last few weeks, my life has become quite the mess.

As I dumped my basket of clean laundry onto my bed for folding this afternoon, I looked around my room, and realized I could barely see the floor. How could it have gotten so messy in just the few short weeks that I've been staying here. That made me think about how not only was my room a mess, but it was completely representative of my life. In the past few weeks I have dealt with things that I thought I left back in high school, like family drama that involved the police, a fight with an old friend that just might mean the end for us as friends, and most recently this week, my girlfriend and I broke up.

That last one has kind of put me over the edge a bit, however I keep thinking ahead to everything that's in front of me. Through all of this instability, I have taken much salvation in volunteering at a local elementary school. I was with the kindergarteners and first-graders and at that age they have a love for learning and new experiences that could inspire anyone. I could of found numerous other ways to use up my excess winter break time or found other escapes from my life of stress, but I was so glad I chose to do what I did. I wish I could continue with it because I only got to volunteer for about 2 days a week for less than 3 weeks and it went by way to fast!

As per usual time seemed to fly by and my winter break which seemed so dauntingly long at first is all but gone. I am now left with one weekend and a menagerie of tasks to finish up before I move, both physical and emotional, in all parts of my life. Chicago will be an amazing change for me and I will make sure that I am in the best place to take on the city by storm!

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Karma. I dislike that word with a passion. I don't know if I believe in it but if I did, I have the worst Karma ever. I generally think that I try to be a good person, but there are bad people in the world that try to ruin the lives of good people. Sometimes I feel like why cant something end and just go away, like a particular situation that likes to bite you in the ass. Just when things start to look up and go right they go very very wrong. There is a person from my families past that is truly out to ruin our lives. And I mean literally. He is mentally ill and doesn't take medication and is trying to make my families life a living hell. For most part it generally doesn't involve me, and shouldn't involve me, but he tries to make it involve me. It stresses the hell out of me and I just can't deal with his shit anymore. It like go away please and just leave me the fuck alone. It just makes my life so complicated and I don't have the time or energy to deal with it. Why do bad things never seem to happen to him? I mean I don't wish anything bad on anyone but seriously he done so much wrong in life I don't see how its possible that he still has suck good karma. If you wanna know more I'd be happy to share, just let me know. Just a bad and stressful day but I hope everyone who reads this had wonderful days today. peace.

Time fly's when you realize you don't like your crazy life

So I apologize for not having updated in quite a while, as I did promise not to get to busy during the school year. I already see it happening but I'm not going to let it catch me. I am generally unhappy tonight which is a major reason why I am writing. I need to write so that my feeling don't get all bottled up. But I have realized that I don't really like the life I am living at the moment. I am slowly losing the passion for school, but keep looking towards the end goal which is my diploma. I am mostly unhappy with a lot of the people and drama around me. My college is so small its no different from high school, maybe even worse. And I feel like people never actually leave here, because even once that bitch in the front row graduates she still finds ways back into your life. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of losing friends because of the awful environment that surrounds me here, outside of class that is. Let me say this, that I do love my school and the education I'm receiving here, and some of the professors are pretty amazing. But other than that I've just realized that this is not really the right place for me anymore. My heart and happiness lie in living somewhere else that is other than here. I might not be sure exactly where yet, but I know I'll need to get away from this place and leave a lot of people behind. Not now of course, because I intend to finish my last 2 years and graduate, but still to get away from it all as much as I can until then. I know there are good people in this world I just have to find my place. Peace