Being sick sucks.....

....However I am being surprisingly productive. Since my only option is to be in bed doing nothing, I've gotten quite a bit done on my computer. stupid fucking boring life shit. Usually my weekends are a break form the computer and technology. But my laptop and netflix have been my stupid colds best friend. typing also helps since my voice was obliterated at work on friday.

So i have a sever cold, and its a doosy.You can ask anyone, i never admit I'm sick, ever. I rarely get sick for that matter. though it was april, im golden, i made it through midwestern winter without even the smallest cold or virus then.....bam. last thursday I started coughing on the way home from work (around 6pm). by the time i went to bed my throat hurt, my head hurt, i couldn't breathe when i laid down and i was coughing up a storm. It was late, and i looked in the bathroom and the kitchen and everywhere my mom keeps medicine, and nada! no cold medicine! Seriously? every kind of tums, allergy releif, and leftover antibiotics gallore, but i could not find the cold medicine. I had an epipheny and knew exactly where it was, in HER bathroom. But i wasn't going to wake her.

She really is a safe mom in that way, my little bro-albeit he would never do something like take meds-is only 14.

I settled for my own antihistemine that would temporarily make me breathe so i could sleep (sort of) and went and bought cold medicine before work on friday and sludged through the day. And now my entire weekend has been trying to rest and get better. I hate it. I hate being sick. I hate not having the choice but to be here. its partly because its nice out (spring!) and the sunshine is calling me, and partly because being forced to lay here and deal with shit in my life is anxiety provoking. but we all got to do it.

So besides my remedy of cold medicine, rest, tea, and fluids. any other cures for bad colds/chest congestion? even for next time would love to here.

peace

Sam

I am drowning.

Stress is not helping me I swear. This is a rant and it's a little long, but I'd love if you'd all listen. I've been wanting to make a video blog post for a while, and this is NOT how I wanted my first one to be but it just kind of happened. Two notes. First, I think I mention something about 3 jobs, that is my usual 2-3 jobs plus school. This semester (in Chicago) I am only working one kind of, but its still just as stressful because I also have an internship. People think I have a break this semester, and that's not the case and this shit (in video) still haunts me. Plus its back to working full time overtime in a few weeks when summer starts. no break. Second note, I don't have the best relations with my mom either, so its not just the men in my life for all you stereotyping freaks. Peace!

My Emotions and My New Family

Lately, I've been trying to keep many things under control, especially my emotions. I mean simply during the day to get through things, you know? I was starting to feel slightly bottled up, and I know from past experience that keeping emotions inside for me is a not so good idea. It's just been such a whirlwind lately, that I feel like my head is spinning sometimes! And to make matters slightly worse, I made my head literally spin last night with I little but to much fun if you know what I mean. It was a good time with some new friends, but a bad way of dealing with problems.

However what has been helpful (besides blogging), is actually talking to people. who knew? I've been feeling very alone and out of place lately, and finally getting to chat with my friend Sarah (who also lives in Chicago but we only chatted online) felt so good. I mainly lashed out a bit about my now ex girlfriend and the breakup, but it was exactly what I needed. I mean it's been less than two weeks since we broke up officially but it feels like a lifetime ago. However, one person is great, but getting a second perspective is even better. So, thank my lucky stars that somehow I got talking to one of my new classmates in Chicago, and had a sad but amazing conversation about break-ups and really how hard things can be. Somewhere in there I think I got some tips on how to deal, especially with all this other change is my life.

It's official, my heart is broken, and only time and maybe my new Chicago family, will mend it.

Mentioning family, the group of Logan square kids, as we now kind of call ourselves, is planning our first Logan square family dinner tonight, at our apartment. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, veggies, garlic bread, banana bread, and my chocolate chip cookies, all with my new family sounds like a good old time.

Peace.

ps: I know I've been talking a bit about this break-up and other semi related things, but I speak whats on my mind. However, even though this blog is for my thoughts, feelings, and life things, if there is something you would like to see on here, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I would love to share my opinions on anything my readers like. You can also contact me at the numerous links on the side of my blog page, including anonymous messages at Formspring (but put in the title somewhere "blog")

6 people, one shower,

Well at least the whole one shower thing was a success this morning. we will continues to figure out a good schedule, I'm sure.

hysterically a coincidence, my new roommate is the other Emily Summers! but she is super sweet and I'm so glad she is. :)

We all stayed up a bit to late but all slept very well. Today is officially our first day of actual orientation and I think I speak for all of us when I say we are all really excited. There is some sort of city scavenger hunt today though, which I don't think us running around outside in the cold is that great. Hopefully though the weather does not seem to bad.

I am so busy I don't even have time to thin about the tragedies of late until I rest my head on my pillow at night. Sometimes I just feel like crying then, but I usually just try to get distracted in a book and forget about the world. Any suggestions on dealing with any of this? Peace.

ps: sending prayer for my papa (grandpa) today who is having knee surgery. <3

An apology thats not an apology that is an apology

I'm sorry world, but I cannot constantly be sorry. I can't continuously be apologetic for things that aren't my fault. I'm sick of feeling guilty and I am sick of having my mind in dissonance (the benefits of a psychology vocabulary!). I make decisions for me and only me and I am not influenced by anyone else and their biased opinions. If you don't like those decisions that's your problem, not mine. I try not to take sides. I try to be a good friend, although I suck at it. I have also stopped trying to please others at the expense of my self happiness, although I'm still working on this one. I know this sometimes makes others unhappy but again not my problem. I know I sound like a botch but here's something that might make up for that. When it comes to the happiness and safety of a child who is in important in my life, that is the only exception. Again I won't go so far as to sacrifice myself, but my decisions may change to better benefit someone else and not just me alone. The life of a child matters so much more to me than many other things in life.

Today, I am mostly sorry to my father. I am sorry for the way things have temporarily ended. For the longest time you never made me happy, but then there was hope. I would often look past your views and stupid ways and see some of the same things my mother loved about you. You have done some good things for me, but those don't out way the damage you've caused. Please no that I love you and we will speak again someday, but right now my most basic and simplistic morals tell me I can't.

I am also sorry to my friend. You are one of few and I pushed it to far. I was only trying to help as I always am, but I got to close. I'm sorry I got to close, it's a bad habit of mine. I know you love me but please know that your words stung. It's going to be hard to get the distance you need because of our lives being so intertwined, but I will make my best effort to stay away. This task will be even more difficult because your the only one I have here. Your one of my only reasons for staying where I am. Everyone else has betrayed me or just fallen by the to the side and you technically have not :). I'm going to find my own way on things which might mean I might not be around here as much, because there is really no one left for me here. I love you and I'm sorry.

Now I feel I've gotten out what I need to say and expressed all the apologies necessary. I'm going to try and not feel sorry anymore today. Peace.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Karma. I dislike that word with a passion. I don't know if I believe in it but if I did, I have the worst Karma ever. I generally think that I try to be a good person, but there are bad people in the world that try to ruin the lives of good people. Sometimes I feel like why cant something end and just go away, like a particular situation that likes to bite you in the ass. Just when things start to look up and go right they go very very wrong. There is a person from my families past that is truly out to ruin our lives. And I mean literally. He is mentally ill and doesn't take medication and is trying to make my families life a living hell. For most part it generally doesn't involve me, and shouldn't involve me, but he tries to make it involve me. It stresses the hell out of me and I just can't deal with his shit anymore. It like go away please and just leave me the fuck alone. It just makes my life so complicated and I don't have the time or energy to deal with it. Why do bad things never seem to happen to him? I mean I don't wish anything bad on anyone but seriously he done so much wrong in life I don't see how its possible that he still has suck good karma. If you wanna know more I'd be happy to share, just let me know. Just a bad and stressful day but I hope everyone who reads this had wonderful days today. peace.

Molthers are Mothers no matter what

My mother. I thought it might be a but soon to talk about my mother on here so I might not go into our entire relationship history but since this is a blog of what goes on in my life, this post will be about my mother. She is one of the most amazing women I've ever known. She's done more for me in my life and sacrificed so much that its hard to even comprehend. But making me feel guilty about it? That's where I feel it crosses the line. 3 weeks. That was all I needed for a place to stay as I moved from my summer housing but not yet into my housing for the school year. My dad's is pretty far away, esp from my part time job, and his house isn't much better. My mom agreed to let me stay with her, no big deal. but from day 1 we just can't seem to get along. We fight about the little things, the big things every single day. She knows how to hurt me bad and I don't think she realizes how much it hurts that our relationship is so strained. She constantly brings up my mistakes of the past and wont let them go. Her along with my brothers who generally don't take a liking to me, make for a very negative environment that is not healthy for me. Today was the second time in 24 hours that we got in a big fight and I just simply left without any pace in particular to go. So for now I am staying at a friends place just to get some space. But what really put me over the edge with her today, was that she had the nerve to call my father and tell him to talk to me. Like I was a kid again. I am 20 years old, and adult who is completely self sufficient and pays for everything herself. There is not one thing my mom pays for anymore and has not supported since I entered college, so am I right in thinking that she should not have a say? understandably I am staying with her in her house, and must follow her rules, which I have been diligently, much to my dismay. The funny thing is that we are so alike its not even funny, and she does not see it. All of the problems are always my fault even though its more 50 50 to my understanding. sometimes I feel like I'm the parent in this relationship and shes the kid. She can just make me feel horrible about myself sometimes but she is still my mother and I still love her. There is a lot I could say about our stupid fight today, but there is no need to go on about it. I'm going to stay positive, and try to get through the next two weeks, even if that means couch hopping, or in tonight's case, a fouton. August 13th I am counting down the days. Peace.