Sunday, July 31, 2011

Choosing to spend your time wisely.

It is Sunday, and unusually I was not scheduled to work at my part time job. mind you, the schedules have been a little wack lately because managers have been quitting left and right over the past few months and we've had temps and subs, and new ones that quit on us ect. but anyways what did i decide to do with my time? nothing that has helped me really. I decided to contact a friend to resolve and issue that we've been having. I figure there's no good time to deal with it. and it gets me all worked up. you know that feeling when your not sure where your friendship stands and all you want is some sort of closure on an issue? well that's how I've felt for a while. and even just trying to talk to this person about it gets frustrating and makes me upset. I think we are getting closer to being on the same page, and I feel a little better about it right now. but its that feeling that a temporary stressor never seems to become solved. And It also gets me upset when my friends are upset about things and I have no way of knowing about it, I can only speculate. Sometimes i just want it to end and not linger over me. the situation that is not the friendship, because the last thing I want is this friendship to end. There was some progress today, so maybe going on that I can find a way to turn this day around and find something to do other than mope around and linger on it.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Being an adult sucks...In a good way

So today as I was sitting on my computer a bit bored and thinking about how I was going to make today great, my mother gives me the perfect opportunity to get out and do something. She has to run some errands and asks me to tag along for the ride. Why not? Not like I had anything else to do. now all is going well when she decides that we should make an unplanned stop at the mall. She wanted to look for some new shorts and we ended up at charlotte russe which is a store that I generally enjoy. And to clear one thing up, it is not unusual for my mom to shop there, she dresses pretty young and we shop at a lot of the same places. Anyways I at first thought we were just shopping for her, but I was casually glancing for myself and wasn't really intending on getting anything, although they had major sales going on. I just went shopping for myself last weekend, which I had not done in a very very long time and didn't feel i needed to spend any more money. But as usual my mother starts picking out things for me and saying "oh that would look great on you" or "isnt this pretty" while handing me a colorful top or floral skirt. I figured whats the harm in trying some things on, they are all on sale, the stuff is cute, and my mom obviously wants me too. But before I had made the desicion in my head to actually shop for a few things, I had made the assumption that my mom wanted to buy me these things, and that's why she was encouraging me. that was wrong assumption number 1. In this situation I was not her daughter necessarily, just another adult friend to be shopping with. If she had been shopping with her best friend, they would each pay for there own things. This is also on top of the fact that money is very tight for her, and one of the reasons I am what some may call an independent adult is because she just cant afford to support me. So looking back on it I understand why when I walked out of the fitting room, she was already purchasing her items at the register and not waiting for me to give her what I picked out. Oh the dangers of trying on clothes. I had fallen in love with a bohemian top and a cute printed skirt. As I walk up to her at the register I show her which ones I picked but say I don't know if I want to spend the money, mind you it was only 20 dollars for the 2 items. She replies by stating that I've worked hard this summer and that I deserve to splurge a little. That was all it took. So although that 20 dollars may have been better spent on gas and was not necessarily in my budget it will all work itself out. Today was another small step in the road of life, but it didn't catch me on my laces. And another thing I realized is what a qguilty influence my mother is on me! peace.

First reflections

Today I am feeling good. It is my first day off of work and off my two week vacation before I go back to school. This has given me a lot of time to think. Already. I think about everything, but lately my minds been on the past. mind you I'm not dwelling only trying to learn from it. My parents think I have a problem with that and that I don't learn from my mistakes. However I don't think that's true, I just learn a little differently, and what they might see as a mistake, I see as something positive, or at least I try to. positive thinking. I could write for a whole day about that.

So back to my reflections. Lately I have not been feeling so good. and surprisingly that is very hard for me to admit. This morning in particular I was contemplating the last week or so. I don't want to get to serious too soon but I had one really bad day that kind of threw me off. And this is not just any normal bad day, but i thought about it, and clearly according to the resat of my week I didn't let it get to me as much as I thought. I went to the movies with my friends, I laughed with my boss, and I went out to lunch with people.  I guess just needed to see if my thought process made sense. I like to talk things or write them out to organize my mind a bit. And now that I feel ok about my reflections, I'm going to go make the best of today, my first day off. peace.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The End

I know, the end. an unusual way to start something, especially the first post of a blog which can be a journey in and of itself. but the end, is what's motivated me to start this blog and write out my life, emotions and just everything. Lately I had been thinking about the end a lot, and yes I'm referring to ending my life. and for all safety purposes, I have no intention of doing so, so no one freak out. But there was a point that I did think that, and even though it was semi recent, it a story for another time and another post. but for now I think blogging about how I'm feeling, like journaling, might be one of the best coping mechanisms to deal with the many stressors that seem to affect my life. And heck maybe my life will be entertaining to people, or helpful but i can only hope for that at the moment. But to add a clause to that, I am NOT looking for any pity. I know many others lives are much worse off than mine, and I will not complain, only discuss the problems that I face in as mature a manner as possible. I will admit however that my emotions do get the better of me sometimes.

I'm someone who works hard and is grateful for everything she has. I'm going to keep this short, and I'm not one to just simply write out everything about me right off the bat, and at the moment who I am is a mystery, but I will continually reveal myself as I am a constantly changing person. and I have been told by a very wise person that ending that change and ending the chance for opportunity and growth in life, before you have completed your fated journey, is a tragedy. And in my book, messing with fate is not an option. my philosophy is that everything happens for a reason, and more importantly never regret. you will here that a lot in this place. That is all so for now, peace.