Lesbian Films

So I have realized lately that I am semi short on friends who I can talk to regarding certain subjects. We all have those friends, the foodie who is the first person you think of when you find a great recipe or want to go to a new restaurant. Or the friend that you go to when you need advice, because they love to give advice. I mean yes we hang out with these people at other times and for other reasons too, but you know what I mean. Anyways so I feel like (well I know) I used to have one or two friends that I would talk to about lesbian culture, or at least conversations surrounding "that girls hot" and the other person would completely understand, because they were um lesbians, lezbe honest. :) I mean I actually have a good number of gay guy friends, of which I can talk about a whole range of general GLBTQ topics and they'll be happy to chat lightly. However as soon as I bring up a girl (except for the one bi guy), girl problems, lesbians, women, vaginas or anything related to any of those there all like "ew gross, peace out, I got other people to talk to"

Anywho, I've lost touch with a few people over the last year, year and a half, and I watch this film tonight, about lesbians, and I am racking my brain. I gots no lesbian whose gonna wanna listen to me talk about it, or that I am close enough to to tell about it or have that type of conversation without it being akward. So here I am telling you all instead, and if any les or bi girl reads this, feel free to comment ;)

So back to the film, it's called Molly's Girl, came out back in 2011, nothing mainstream, just something I came across under Netflix's Gay and Lesbian Movies section. To be honest, I really was in the mood to watch like a sappy romantic lesbian love story, albeit there are not very many to choose from on netflix, and this film was not really that at all, but I took a gamble. I recognized one of the actresses names, Kristina Valada-Viars but couldn't figure out where I knew it from. it took me a good seven minutes at least of watching this girl before I figured it out. I met her! I could not believe I had met her. Back in early 2012, I went and saw her in a play at the Steppenwolf (for which I truly appreciated her role, it was very good! Play "Time Stands Still") and then I got to meet her when she came and talked to my arts seminar class. Now mind you, there were 5 total students in the class, so I was not staring at a guest lecturer, no we had actual conversations simply about life. I'm a theater girl myself and I don't know why it was so hard for me to make the connection simply because it crossed the line from theater to film. I had only known her in the theater context, and I believe she is pretty successful there, so it didn't cross my mind. I'm glad I did remember though, because it only made me like her acting and her as an actress more. The film, I'd say its cute, its somewhere between okay and good in my book, but thats mostly related to the plot being ehhh. maybe its because it wasn't satisfying what I was in the mood for, and I would have enjoyed it more otherwise. However, I really did like her acting and she made it funny and more enjoyable the way her and the other main character played off each other.

So it wasn't even really that I wanted to gush about her or her acting in a lesbian way I guess. She is very pretty, but in the same way I think many other celebrities and actresses are pretty. It's more that I got stupidly excited over the fact that I had met an actress in a movie I was watching, a professional movie. I mean wouldn't anyone get excited about that? and on top of that it was a lesbian film which just makes it all the more exciting, at least to me. So there's my gush. If you go see any shows in Chicago and happen to catch this girl on stage, your lucky and in for a treat.

Peace - Sam

Holidays

BTW, I also had a pretty great Holiday this year, especially since I got to spend it with my bestest friend in the entire world, Amanda! :) Here's a picture:

Peace,

Sam

My Emotions and My New Family

Lately, I've been trying to keep many things under control, especially my emotions. I mean simply during the day to get through things, you know? I was starting to feel slightly bottled up, and I know from past experience that keeping emotions inside for me is a not so good idea. It's just been such a whirlwind lately, that I feel like my head is spinning sometimes! And to make matters slightly worse, I made my head literally spin last night with I little but to much fun if you know what I mean. It was a good time with some new friends, but a bad way of dealing with problems.

However what has been helpful (besides blogging), is actually talking to people. who knew? I've been feeling very alone and out of place lately, and finally getting to chat with my friend Sarah (who also lives in Chicago but we only chatted online) felt so good. I mainly lashed out a bit about my now ex girlfriend and the breakup, but it was exactly what I needed. I mean it's been less than two weeks since we broke up officially but it feels like a lifetime ago. However, one person is great, but getting a second perspective is even better. So, thank my lucky stars that somehow I got talking to one of my new classmates in Chicago, and had a sad but amazing conversation about break-ups and really how hard things can be. Somewhere in there I think I got some tips on how to deal, especially with all this other change is my life.

It's official, my heart is broken, and only time and maybe my new Chicago family, will mend it.

Mentioning family, the group of Logan square kids, as we now kind of call ourselves, is planning our first Logan square family dinner tonight, at our apartment. Pasta with meat sauce, salad, veggies, garlic bread, banana bread, and my chocolate chip cookies, all with my new family sounds like a good old time.

Peace.

ps: I know I've been talking a bit about this break-up and other semi related things, but I speak whats on my mind. However, even though this blog is for my thoughts, feelings, and life things, if there is something you would like to see on here, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I would love to share my opinions on anything my readers like. You can also contact me at the numerous links on the side of my blog page, including anonymous messages at Formspring (but put in the title somewhere "blog")

PAPERWORK!

Who knew that moving only 30 miles away required so much paperwork? oh yea I did. and believe me, I have a lot less than people going moving half way across the world, like my friend Matt for example who I will miss dearly while he is in Germany next semester, or my friends Joanna and Jessica who will be in London. but.....

I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that CHICAGO will distract me so much I won't even have time to miss them. So really, all the paperwork is definitely worth it. This form here, that form there, keys to my RA, 5 million signatures, 10 million emails, and 4 trips to my schools business office later, I am officially checked out! Which In turn means that I am officially moving to Chicago this February and hopefully enjoying all of the exciting wonders the city had to offer thanks to ACM.

I also know there is probably more paperwork ahead even, just waiting for word from the program, as I am expecting a flurry of updates and such very soon.

As efficient as I may be with my paperwork ( or at least I'm told that I'm very timely) I wish my professors would hurry up with theirs and submit my grades! As if I don't have enough to be anxious about.....

Peace.

An apology thats not an apology that is an apology

I'm sorry world, but I cannot constantly be sorry. I can't continuously be apologetic for things that aren't my fault. I'm sick of feeling guilty and I am sick of having my mind in dissonance (the benefits of a psychology vocabulary!). I make decisions for me and only me and I am not influenced by anyone else and their biased opinions. If you don't like those decisions that's your problem, not mine. I try not to take sides. I try to be a good friend, although I suck at it. I have also stopped trying to please others at the expense of my self happiness, although I'm still working on this one. I know this sometimes makes others unhappy but again not my problem. I know I sound like a botch but here's something that might make up for that. When it comes to the happiness and safety of a child who is in important in my life, that is the only exception. Again I won't go so far as to sacrifice myself, but my decisions may change to better benefit someone else and not just me alone. The life of a child matters so much more to me than many other things in life.

Today, I am mostly sorry to my father. I am sorry for the way things have temporarily ended. For the longest time you never made me happy, but then there was hope. I would often look past your views and stupid ways and see some of the same things my mother loved about you. You have done some good things for me, but those don't out way the damage you've caused. Please no that I love you and we will speak again someday, but right now my most basic and simplistic morals tell me I can't.

I am also sorry to my friend. You are one of few and I pushed it to far. I was only trying to help as I always am, but I got to close. I'm sorry I got to close, it's a bad habit of mine. I know you love me but please know that your words stung. It's going to be hard to get the distance you need because of our lives being so intertwined, but I will make my best effort to stay away. This task will be even more difficult because your the only one I have here. Your one of my only reasons for staying where I am. Everyone else has betrayed me or just fallen by the to the side and you technically have not :). I'm going to find my own way on things which might mean I might not be around here as much, because there is really no one left for me here. I love you and I'm sorry.

Now I feel I've gotten out what I need to say and expressed all the apologies necessary. I'm going to try and not feel sorry anymore today. Peace.

How About Connections First?

I can't believe it's been over a week since I have put up a new post! I knew I would get busy and caught up with life, but I won't let it get the best of me. I need some major "me time" today so this is my ow personal escape during this crazy week at my school we call first connection. Its a program where a select group of freshman get to come for a pre-orientation that's based around diversity and multiculturalism. and I am one of the mentors, similar to a camp counselor. It is super fun but absolutely exhausting. But meeting all these new freshman made me think about the ways we connect with people in the world. I have people on my facebook that I've never met before and I mean I don't have any problems with anyone but over the last couple of days I've just been connecting what some might say the old fashioned way, by going up and talking to people. No facebook, no meet once and then only text for the next month, no nothing like that, just simply hanging out and talking to people. And I've already made a new friend who hung out with me for a bit tonight. We don;t have eachother phone numbers or anything, but we just know that we will see each other tomorrow at breakfast, and that is all we need. I am a social person so I thrive off of social interactions (although is does tire me out at times) so for me its hard to keep friendships alive simply based on twitter posts. All of these social media are helpful but we have to realize they are not everything. and this is coming from the girl who has a twitter, facebook, myspace, tumblr, skype, formspring, youtube, 3 emails, and a blog. Surprisingly this was not the post I intended to write tonight, but I just started thinking about it so I thought I'd share even though I know many before me have probably said similar things. So just maybe next time, before you add that person because of 5 mutual friends on facebook, make the connection first. Peace.

First reflections

Today I am feeling good. It is my first day off of work and off my two week vacation before I go back to school. This has given me a lot of time to think. Already. I think about everything, but lately my minds been on the past. mind you I'm not dwelling only trying to learn from it. My parents think I have a problem with that and that I don't learn from my mistakes. However I don't think that's true, I just learn a little differently, and what they might see as a mistake, I see as something positive, or at least I try to. positive thinking. I could write for a whole day about that.

So back to my reflections. Lately I have not been feeling so good. and surprisingly that is very hard for me to admit. This morning in particular I was contemplating the last week or so. I don't want to get to serious too soon but I had one really bad day that kind of threw me off. And this is not just any normal bad day, but i thought about it, and clearly according to the resat of my week I didn't let it get to me as much as I thought. I went to the movies with my friends, I laughed with my boss, and I went out to lunch with people.  I guess just needed to see if my thought process made sense. I like to talk things or write them out to organize my mind a bit. And now that I feel ok about my reflections, I'm going to go make the best of today, my first day off. peace.