Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Karma. I dislike that word with a passion. I don't know if I believe in it but if I did, I have the worst Karma ever. I generally think that I try to be a good person, but there are bad people in the world that try to ruin the lives of good people. Sometimes I feel like why cant something end and just go away, like a particular situation that likes to bite you in the ass. Just when things start to look up and go right they go very very wrong. There is a person from my families past that is truly out to ruin our lives. And I mean literally. He is mentally ill and doesn't take medication and is trying to make my families life a living hell. For most part it generally doesn't involve me, and shouldn't involve me, but he tries to make it involve me. It stresses the hell out of me and I just can't deal with his shit anymore. It like go away please and just leave me the fuck alone. It just makes my life so complicated and I don't have the time or energy to deal with it. Why do bad things never seem to happen to him? I mean I don't wish anything bad on anyone but seriously he done so much wrong in life I don't see how its possible that he still has suck good karma. If you wanna know more I'd be happy to share, just let me know. Just a bad and stressful day but I hope everyone who reads this had wonderful days today. peace.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Time fly's when you realize you don't like your crazy life

So I apologize for not having updated in quite a while, as I did promise not to get to busy during the school year. I already see it happening but I'm not going to let it catch me. I am generally unhappy tonight which is a major reason why I am writing. I need to write so that my feeling don't get all bottled up. But I have realized that I don't really like the life I am living at the moment. I am slowly losing the passion for school, but keep looking towards the end goal which is my diploma. I am mostly unhappy with a lot of the people and drama around me. My college is so small its no different from high school, maybe even worse. And I feel like people never actually leave here, because even once that bitch in the front row graduates she still finds ways back into your life. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of losing friends because of the awful environment that surrounds me here, outside of class that is. Let me say this, that I do love my school and the education I'm receiving here, and some of the professors are pretty amazing. But other than that I've just realized that this is not really the right place for me anymore. My heart and happiness lie in living somewhere else that is other than here. I might not be sure exactly where yet, but I know I'll need to get away from this place and leave a lot of people behind. Not now of course, because I intend to finish my last 2 years and graduate, but still to get away from it all as much as I can until then. I know there are good people in this world I just have to find my place. Peace

Monday, August 15, 2011

How About Connections First?

I can't believe it's been over a week since I have put up a new post! I knew I would get busy and caught up with life, but I won't let it get the best of me. I need some major "me time" today so this is my ow personal escape during this crazy week at my school we call first connection. Its a program where a select group of freshman get to come for a pre-orientation that's based around diversity and multiculturalism. and I am one of the mentors, similar to a camp counselor. It is super fun but absolutely exhausting. But meeting all these new freshman made me think about the ways we connect with people in the world. I have people on my facebook that I've never met before and I mean I don't have any problems with anyone but over the last couple of days I've just been connecting what some might say the old fashioned way, by going up and talking to people. No facebook, no meet once and then only text for the next month, no nothing like that, just simply hanging out and talking to people. And I've already made a new friend who hung out with me for a bit tonight. We don;t have eachother phone numbers or anything, but we just know that we will see each other tomorrow at breakfast, and that is all we need. I am a social person so I thrive off of social interactions (although is does tire me out at times) so for me its hard to keep friendships alive simply based on twitter posts. All of these social media are helpful but we have to realize they are not everything. and this is coming from the girl who has a twitter, facebook, myspace, tumblr, skype, formspring, youtube, 3 emails, and a blog. Surprisingly this was not the post I intended to write tonight, but I just started thinking about it so I thought I'd share even though I know many before me have probably said similar things. So just maybe next time, before you add that person because of 5 mutual friends on facebook, make the connection first. Peace.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A person and falling hard.

I could simply use this post to express my feelings right now, but again there is not much point in that, unless I say whats causing all of these feelings. The cause as you may have guessed, is a person, but not just any person. You see, there is this girl, and by posting this I do know that there is a risk of her reading this, but in a way I hope she does. I am falling for this girl. I am falling HARD for this girl. I don't know what it is but I think it's a sign when I can't stop thinking about her...

Ok put on the brakes for a sec. so clearly I've just outed myself. so queer haters buzz off, and queer lovers, I heart you. :)

So I've been dating this girl for almost 2 months but because of us both being generally broke and that we live over 3 hours apart :( we only just went on our "official" first date 2 days ago (official according to my other friends rules of what qualifies a date, that we all live by lol). Mind you we had seen each-other before then, but generally just hung out and did casual things in groups and such and also generally taking things really slow, for both our sakes.

So I am feeling kind of scared, ok like majorly scared. I have no clue what I am doing. But I can't shake this feeling. But I know it scares her too. It scares her that I might feel more strongly about her than I'm letting on. I don't think I'm any good at hiding it. But problem is, I don't even know how I feel. I care for her a lot and I like her a lot but that all I know really and there are times when I can't get her out of my mind. When I go and visit her its always to short and I wanna turn around from the second I leave. I think my mind is going a little bit to fast but thankfully it still controls itself. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. It isn't love, yet. I know that for sure its to soon and not that strong. Its just a strong attraction to being around this person.

What sparked this post today was the fact that I went up on Thursday to see her and I left today (Saturday, two days, so short :P) because I work retail and had to work the Saturday closing shift, and what makes me very mad is that they cut hours and let me go home early. Any other day totally fine. When I drove back 3 hours because I had to work and could have spent an extra day with this girl instead? Did not make me super thrilled. But then I just think about how happy this amazing girl makes me, I just had to let it go and I know I can't change it now. She is one of the few things in my life that is positive and happy at the moment. The last thing I know tonight is that I miss her. Peace.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Molthers are Mothers no matter what

My mother. I thought it might be a but soon to talk about my mother on here so I might not go into our entire relationship history but since this is a blog of what goes on in my life, this post will be about my mother. She is one of the most amazing women I've ever known. She's done more for me in my life and sacrificed so much that its hard to even comprehend. But making me feel guilty about it? That's where I feel it crosses the line. 3 weeks. That was all I needed for a place to stay as I moved from my summer housing but not yet into my housing for the school year. My dad's is pretty far away, esp from my part time job, and his house isn't much better. My mom agreed to let me stay with her, no big deal. but from day 1 we just can't seem to get along. We fight about the little things, the big things every single day. She knows how to hurt me bad and I don't think she realizes how much it hurts that our relationship is so strained. She constantly brings up my mistakes of the past and wont let them go. Her along with my brothers who generally don't take a liking to me, make for a very negative environment that is not healthy for me. Today was the second time in 24 hours that we got in a big fight and I just simply left without any pace in particular to go. So for now I am staying at a friends place just to get some space. But what really put me over the edge with her today, was that she had the nerve to call my father and tell him to talk to me. Like I was a kid again. I am 20 years old, and adult who is completely self sufficient and pays for everything herself. There is not one thing my mom pays for anymore and has not supported since I entered college, so am I right in thinking that she should not have a say? understandably I am staying with her in her house, and must follow her rules, which I have been diligently, much to my dismay. The funny thing is that we are so alike its not even funny, and she does not see it. All of the problems are always my fault even though its more 50 50 to my understanding. sometimes I feel like I'm the parent in this relationship and shes the kid. She can just make me feel horrible about myself sometimes but she is still my mother and I still love her. There is a lot I could say about our stupid fight today, but there is no need to go on about it. I'm going to stay positive, and try to get through the next two weeks, even if that means couch hopping, or in tonight's case, a fouton. August 13th I am counting down the days. Peace.